Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

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Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

My Apartment Living Problems & Observations

I told Petey (and myself) I would never leave and abandon him when things got hard like HE did. However, I really am at a loss. I’m out at all hours of the morning and night walking him as he refuses to use the patio. Last night, I put his leash on and walked for an hour up and down the patio and he still held it. He won’t even urinate on the patio. Something about the smells, I guess. If I don’t find the answer soon, I will have to give Petey back to HIM and let HIM deal with it. Then, HE will have the responsibility of finding somewhere that has grass if he doesn’t keep the house. However, I haven’t actually made that decision yet. I am still seeking a solution. At least I am taking Petey to visit with HIM over the wknd so I can get some rest with only Firepie here. I know if that does happen, then I will wish I had moved closer to where my friends are because with only Fire; I could have found quite a few closer apartments, but, the rent is already paid in advance for 9 months and there is a penalty if you leave early. This is what HE was afraid of. But, we are still only separated in the talking sense so it makes mores sense to just stay here verses moving again right away anyway. I chose the 9 months so we could both figure things out. Nothing is figured out. Right now, I need to figure out the dog situation and the fact that due to this situation, I am getting absolutely no sleep.

When I moved into this apartment, it was being renovated. Now, there are some shoe scuff marks. I wear tennis shoes. So, I have to try to work on that today.

I haven’t really met my neighbors although I’ve talked to one (or a friend of one) and said Hi to a few. I’ve also observed how a few live. One neighbor above me runs the dishwasher or washing machine every night. Some apartments have washer/dryers (mine doesn’t) and some don’t, the neighbors across from me have a child, I think. I think the same neighbor is a Mexican woman who parks her car next to mine and speaks Spanish while talking on her cell phone and throwing trash on the ground. I talked to one gentlemen who warned me about parking inside the gate and told me to make sure you have a permit because he was towed after only 3 hours. Guests need to park outside or have a Visitors Pass to park inside Visitors Parking.

When I’m out early in the morning walking Petey, I can see people in business uniforms leaving their apartments going off to work.

9:16 a.m.- I just ordered a Dog Potty. It has fake grass on top and leaks into a pan. This better work. It’s basically a dog litter box. He mainly needs to use it at night and early morning or when I’m sick. But, now I get more responsibility of emptying the pan when he goes. Oh well, I’m not the one who didn’t want responsibility. I am just tired and stressed. Plus, Petey is barking at the gardeners. I’m trying to break him of that. It’s hard. He did this at home. He doesn’t like them near our house. I started yelling at him this morning. I can’t yell at him. We are in an apartment. A new place. New gardeners. New smells. I’m a bad mother.