Life Moments

It’s been a sleepy last few days. Even the dog seems to sleep extra. The Bactrim seems to be working for the infection or whatever I am recovering from. Yep, another wknd of the same crap I got in May which was one of the main reasons I could not go to Vegas for our Anniversary.

The dog and I are on a semi-schedule now. I take him for walks 3-4 times a day. Short walks. Just around the front of the complex area. Last night, a bunch of children wanted to pet him but he really had to go potty so it was not the best time.

The Ginger Root came which I am going to try for my Migraines but I think I am going to wait. I have plans on Sunday and I was up all night in the restroom. I am not sure if that is good to take with an antibiotic and if that was the cause of my stomach issues last night, it’s probably best to wait until after Sunday anyway and try again.

Funny story about this apartment. This complex is very quiet. However, I live directly across the walkway from a family with 5 children, one of which is a baby. That baby can scream! Well, since it’s been hot, they tend to keep the screen closed and their glass door open. Last night, I heard them having sex and suddenly I heard the baby scream. Good. Made them stop that. I didn’t want to hear that either. Usually, crying babies annoy me, but good for you Baby, you make them knock that off or close the doors and turn on the air conditioner. Sheesh.

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Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

A Rant For Real Sickness

I just read a blog that was a bit disturbing to me.  One of those blogs that went on about.. “You have a choice.  You choose to be healthy.”  Blah, Blah, Blah.”  Okay, Blogwriter Person, since I am not going to name your Blog or you because that would be rude and I didn’t leave a comment.  It doesn’t really matter because there are many people out there that believe the same thing. ” It’s your decision to get up every day.  Just fight through the pain.”

Were you people born with rare disease issues that have weird side-effects that keep us sick in one way or another?  When you have head or stomach pain to the point that you are vomiting and can only pray for that pill to take the pain away and you can barely move your head or handle noise..can you seriously tell me you are out running a marathon or doing your yoga or Eating a STEAK?  Plus, seriously, “Eat Like A Lion?”  Give me a break.  I don’t care what the Cavemen did.  They may not have had our ailments but they did not have our weather with the pollution and cars, etc to deal with either.  Their meat came straight from the animals and their vegetables came straight from the ground.  No sprays on those vegetables to keep them fresh.  My system cannot handle wheat and I do not believe in eating animals.  Plus, everybody’s body is different so the same diet does not work for everyone.

Back to my questions to people with this belief or philosophy, is my choice of waking up saying I am going to be healthy today going to get my body healed soon so I will not have to have a hysterectomy?  It hasn’t worked so far.  And, it’s funny because on Friday, I tried to make that choice when I had to do the treadmill test without caffeine and my headache pain was so bad; I could not go through with it.  I was vomiting and my husband had to pick me up from the hospital and take me home.

It’s a great idea in theory, but it doesn’t work for those of us who are seriously ill with Real sickness.

This reminds me of when I was in school and could never pass  a test because I had test-anxiety.  Nobody ever caught that and I failed almost EVERY test.  I pretty much passed all my classes with homework and extra credit.  I could study for hours and I would still fail the test.  Just say the word, “Test” and I would blank out.  If I believed your philosophy.  I could just believe I would pass the test and I would be able to pass.  Guess what?  I tried that once.  Still failed.

Being chronically ill, I get tired of people with this belief/philosophy.

I don’t mean or try (as a matter of fact, I try not to) to complain about my health all the time.  But, this blog is to update friends, family and strangers about my life especially the health aspect, so I don’t have to keep repeating it.  I have a lot of health issues which I Can’t Help without doctors and pills or shots, or whatever.  I am helping myself in getting help from others.

Fast March & Question 4 You

Wow, It really has been a while, hasn’t it?  March snuck up on me way to fast as did doctor appointments.  I got a phone call with a reminder of a doc appointment for this Monday which I could swear was in April so then I had to rush to the lab.  I also saw a doc about my headaches who put me on a new headache med as well as adjusted my Topamax and one of the two just makes me fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. or earlier….during my favorite t.v. shows.  It sucks because I seriously don’t remember the endings and I really was not one to fall asleep while watching t.v before.  To me, that is a bit scary.

In amusing news, Firepie is a bit annoyed her Aunt Lisa and her husband got themselves a cat.  When my friend Lisa came over to visit.  Firepie was all over her purse (as usual) and when Lisa was ready to leave Firepie didn’t want to get off of it and yelled at her.  She never does that!  I know she can smell Lisa’s new cat.  I discussed it with Firepie and she just isn’t sure about the situation.  When Lisa comes here; I guess we are supposed to talk about Firepie and give her the attention not the new cat despite the fact that Lisa and her husband saved it’s life.  Other then that, I guess Firepie is okay with it.

So, someone on Facebook asked what was one thing you are happy having done or accomplished so far and what was one thing you regret not having done or accomplished. I responded that I am happy having survived an abusive relationship but am annoyed at having not written the book about it yet.  I have no more excuses.  So, I sat down yesterday and started writing.  If I take it slowly, it will eventually come together.  I am going to work on it a little at a time (nothing like the Nanowrimo) competition.  This is a true story of my life and I really think it will help my mind to get this all out.  I started with notes yesterday, but I think I am going to start again today in actual story form and see where it takes me.

  Here’s the question for you: What are you happy you’ve done or accomplished in life so far and what is one thing you regret not having done or accomplished?  Just to add:  Do you think you may ever accomplish it?

*I would love to hear your replies.

Gluten Free Info

So I found another site that sells Gluten/Wheat Free foods for like 50% off retail price.  Unfortunately, not a lot of actual meal type foods so I have to get creative;  but I am saving a lot of money anyway.

We did go to B.J’ Restaurant & Brewery and Claim Jumper lately and both have Gluten Free Menu’s.   I wish more take-outs did.

I purchased the book, “Gluten Free For Dummies” and it is very informative.  It talks about how you can have all the tests done (which I haven’t) and they can all say you are negative for Celiac but technically, you can still have Celiac Disease.  Sometimes, I wonder because I still have stomach issues even when having had no Wheat or Gluten.  However, I’m not sure it’s been two months yet since I’ve been on this Gluten Free diet so it may not be cleared from my system all the way.  I also read that Gluten can cause headaches, osteoporosis, and even early menopause..all of which I have experienced.  I have noticed lately the headaches have been getting much better. (knock on wood).

Every time I say that I seem to get a migraine within a day or so.) .

A Health Update

I ordered somesomething called H-Fissures from Amoil for these Anal Fissures which I am going to try.  I keep looking up surgery which I don’t think the docs want to do and I am not even sure which type of doc to see anymore.  The last doctor I saw for this was horrible and refused to even consider surgery plus the side effects of surgery sound and can be terrible.  I am tired of this horrible pain so I really need to do something.  It sure doesn’t make daily life any easier.

My stomach has gotten much better by going Gluten-Free and I am looking forward to getting myself some Gluten-Free Cookbooks so I can make more foods here at home.  I find the store foods to be a bit on the expensive side even on the web and I still have to eat a bit to keep up with my Protein requirement… then again, if I eat to many Protein Bars or Protein Chips, I go  over.  But, stomach- wise, it is great to feel almost like a normal person again…whatever normal may be.

Feeling Good & Busy

I’ve been feeling really good stomach-wise for the last 3 days.  I sure hope it continues into our vacation this wknd and I find some food I can eat while there and not just potato’s.  I love potatoes but..  I am having a hard time finding menu’s for GF (I am going to word it that way verses Gluten-Free) foods at State-Line.

I took Firepie (my cat) to the vet yesterday and she was really good and didn’t bite the vet.  She is healthy but they did find a soft, heart murmur.  We aren’t going to worry about it yet as it may have been stress from having been poked and prodded by the vet.  She and the dog also both had their nails trimmed.

I ‘ve been super busy getting things tied up before we go.  What with cleaning the house, making calls, catching up on bills, etc.. not to mention my own appointments and I need to make sure the animals have enough food, etc..  I also need to watch my Netflix movie so I can return it and get the next one.  It’s not good to keep them to long.

Fresh Bread Again

I found tons of Gluten-Free restaurants in Vegas and a lot of them are the same places here so I don’t have to do double the work.  However, I am actually printing the Gluten-Free menu’s here and I am keeping a folder.

My stomach was totally acting terrible today and I woke up at 3:30 thinking I was going to vomit.  I hate it when these things happen out of the blue.  The only thing I can think of is maybe the Soy-Milk I’ve been drinking has been open to long but the date is okay and it tasted fine.

After I wrote that part, I read about Gluten Withdrawal and how it can take months to get Gluten out of your system.  I guess that can make sense after years and years of pain so that is possibly another reason for those times of sudden and fierce episodes I continue to have.

I made a loaf of Gluten Free Bread in my Bread-Machine using Anna’s Gluten-Free Bread Flour and I must say it turned out better than I expected.  It is Tapioca based verses Rice based and it was so gooey I wasn’t sure it was going to mix well.  Adding more flour just made it more wet.  I added more sugar in hopes to dry it a bit so it is sweet.

I got the socks folded, the kitchen floor swept and a Walgreen’s run done today and discovered I have no real appointments this week except the Chiro so I’m hoping to get some more cleaning done each day to see what gets accomplished.

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