Thoughts of Men, Water, and Direction

Yesterday was Father’s Day. I chose not to dwell on that or even think about it really. My Father has been gone since 1995 and God wonders what he would think about this situation I’m in. I used to tell HIM how proud my Father would be that HE was such a good man and so good to me. My father would be so disappointed.

I thought about the men in my life. I haven’t had a lot of positive encounters with men. My brother means well but we are a generation a part and were not raised in the same time period. Our thought processes are much different.

I can’t compare relationships other then to say, they obviously did not work out for one reason or another..most in heartache brought on by the man and my reactions. And now this..

I bought some new water recently. I need to keep drinking a lot of water with my kidney issues, if I want the kidney to continue working correctly. This time I bought Mineral Water, which I love. I wonder if the changing of water type and taste will change the taste of my own tears; at least the salt content? Guess I will find out.

I can finally see the counter in the bathroom as I organize this place. So, that is saying something semi-positive, I guess. Or, at least I can say I am moving in the right direction.

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Worst Day & One Day At A Time

I might ramble today, but I guess that’s okay. In my situation. I allow myself to babble if I have to.

What’s the worst day in your life so far? Is it a friend or relative dying?, Is it a tornado or natural disaster and losing everything?, Is it a car accident and becoming disabled?, Is it having your heart broken over and over again and finding out after 12 years that the one you married and gave your wedding vows to – the one you decided to finally trust and believe in: the one you took his hand in a public ceremony and swore in front of the world to Love, Honor, Cherish, in Sickness and Health until Death Due You Part has decided the stakes are to high and is giving up?

I never thought I would be in this position in my life. I tried so hard to be the good wife. I’m tired of hearing, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That doesn’t help. It has to be me as well if I could not keep him around.

I never used to get up at 6 or earlier every day..to pack boxes. I never used to cry so many tears and literally start to shake and sob and run to take a Xanax; because the man who I thought loved me made a comment that set me off again.

People say one day at a time and they are right. If I focus on the big picture, I start to freak.

Today. Today, I need to sort out the desk drawers in the office and finish the box in the kitchen. I can do that. I also need to make sure the Renter’s Insurance will be ready. I can do that.

Tomorrow, I will sign the Lease and get the keys. I can’t think about it. I really can’t think about the rest of the week yet. If I do that, I get headaches. I get scared.

He is talking about selling the house soon.

I planted a potato in the backyard not to long ago. It hasn’t started growing yet. I wonder if it will grow for the next person who moves in. If it does, I suppose it will be my gift to them.

My Calling

How I started helping people in convalescent homes.

When I was young, my mother would take me to convalescent homes at Christmas and we would go Christmas Carolling.  I think there were other times we would go also but I don’t remember why.  I do remember bringing cookies.

As I got older, I discovered they had an Adopt-A-Grandparent program…where you would visit one person who did not have family visiting and you would be the prime person to talk with them and read to them and just spend time with them.  Later on, they changed the name of the program to Adopt-A-Resident because most of the residents have family but the family does not visit to often.

Needless to say, I got involved in this program and have met some awesome people.  One gentlemen liked to play his Harmonica.  Okay, he didn’t really play the Harmonica and he drove the other residents crazy with it.  But, when I was there I encouraged him.  One lady I found out after she died had been an artist of sorts and her family met me and thanked me for being there for her.  They even gave me one of her paintings she had done.  Supposedly, some of her artwork is in Hearst Castle.  Unfortunately, I did not keep it.  One lady, my boyfriend and I set up a surprise party for her Birthday at the home.  It was really simple and with a few other residents.  She loved it.  It turned out, she had never had a Birthday Party before.

The hard part of this is you visit one person and you get attached.  You visit this same person for years and you get to know them…like a Grand-Parent.  Then, they die.  And, you grieve and you say you aren’t going to do this anymore.  But a few years later, God sends me back.  I don’t know if Ann was the longest person I visited but I’ll say again that I don’t want to do this anymore.  I pray God doesn’t make this my true calling.  It tears me up inside at the end.  It is worse now since the death of my mother.

One thing I have started doing lately is  filling Tote Bags and literally giving them out to the Homeless  I see on the street…the ones with the carts.  I fill the Tote Bags with soap, shampoo, easy-open food, water, etc..   I would rather that be my calling so I don’t have to get close to them and there is no grief at the end.  Instead, I know I am helping them to keep going and to make their lives better.  Anyone is welcome to join me in this endeavor.

I miss Ann, I miss Muriel,  I miss June, I even miss Mr. Harmonica Player and I hope you are all having fun where you are now but I am mentally drained.  Lord, Please don’t let this be my calling anymore.

Still Proud Even When Nobody Else Cares

Like many other Bloggers, I like to keep track of  Comments and Followers in hopes that someone is interested in what I have to say but, I just got to thinking… WordPress is really good as therapy and for getting your thoughts out.  The actual idea of Comments and Followers is just the added Bonus Feature.

While I would love to know what people think about the fact that China is starting to poison our dogs with the Chicken Flavored Dog Treats and while I would really find it wonderful to talk to others who may be going through Chronic Illness of some kind or who may be married to an Un-Believer, I guess it best to be content to continue to spew my thoughts on this blog which I continue to be proud of even on the days I get no comments and only one or two people choose to look at it.

In health news, I think I may blow up my Exercise Ball and start using that as a desk chair again as perhaps that is part of what is affecting my posture and my lower back problems, although I still don’t know if that is the main problem.

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