Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

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UnHappy Month Anniverary

Today marks a month since the start of my Hell! Wait, that’s not true. Hell, actually started on the 13th but that was when the shock hit, I was moving today last month. Today is the exact day a month ago that I started on my own. The first night I cried my eyes out.in shock and despair over the changes in my life.

Let’s discuss Anniversaries first, shall we? Most Anniversaries are happy, joyous occasions. Like, the day you met, or how many dates you’ve been on, or how many years you have been married. They are celebrated making happy memories together with dinners and joy while spending time with the one you love.
Then, there are the sad Anniversaries, remembering those who have died. People go to visit gravesides then or maybe they go through old pictures, say prayers, eat a certain food in their memory. (Snickers, for dad) etc.

But, This Anniversary does not fit the profile. We will NOT spend it together. I may take myself to buy something but it would be out of the necessity of needing shorts, not to celebrate anything or because I am going anywhere. I may take myself to dinner, but only because I got a flyer about a restaurant nearby that has Garlic Tofu that sounds really good and I can probably eat it. (I’ll have to check what they have that is gluten-free). HE hasn’t died so I could not visit a grave site even if I wanted to..(which I probably wouldn’t anyway, because I have a hard time visiting people graves).

Oh Yes, Last night, I did cry. Almost to the point of needing a Xanax. I cried for what was. I cried for the husband I married who I believed loved me then. I cried for what is, the cards I have been dealt in my life, and the life I am living now. I cried because I miss my dog who used to lick me all the time and roll in my clean laundry. I miss my life that was stable and calm. I cried until I fell asleep.

But in good news, I slept until almost 10 o’clock this morning, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I hope HE reads this one today.
I hope HE thinks of me sometimes and how unhappy I am.

HAPPY MONTH ANNIVERSARY, if you do.
I hope you feel miserable and guilty for what you have done to your wife who has loved you all those years.

I Wonder How Long Until Happiness Sets In

It’s been three weeks, as of yesterday. I don’t post every day because my days fade into each other. I watch t.v., I write letters, I call people, I play with the cat, I do the normal activities I have to..like eat, etc. I play games on Facebook, I still cry.

I’m done unpacking. I don’t want to do it anymore. There’s one more box that may have more towels although its marked Halloween. I’m missing some towels. I remember buying them. Or, maybe not. I’m not thinking straight. I keep putting stuff down and forgetting where it is. Sometimes, after being on the computer for a long time, I forget where I am and I think I’m at home..the other house..in the old kitchen and I’m surprised when I look to my left and I don’t see the kitchen table or the garage door. Then, my mind is back.

I still get headaches, I’m still not sleeping like I want to. Last night, I fell asleep while talking to a friend on the phone. That was rude. Luckily, he understands. He, yeah, it’s okay though. He is my best friend. The one I told you about. The one I got re-connected with.

I’ve seen the Psychologist twice but that didn’t work. He kept agreeing with me. Anything I said, he said, “Uh-Huh”, It’s good to feel that way”, “You’re right” He made me talk for the whole 45 minutes. What a waste. I could talk on the phone or to the cat for 45 minutes. I don’t need him. If I need to pay someone, I’ll get a Therapist, not a Psychologist. The last Therapist I had was nice but she was overly-religious and talked about herself all the time when she wasn’t preaching about God.

The manager introduced me to a lady who lives in the complex. A single lady with a cat. I got brave and knocked on her door yesterday, but she wasn’t home. Maybe some day we can drown our sorrows, or at least share our stories over a cup of tea. Guess I’m not the only Cat Lady in the complex.

A stupid guy who I thought was a friend tried to hit on me and wanted to spend the night. I got really pissed off! How dare men take advantage of this situation! First of all, I am separated, not divorced and from a Christian standpoint (which I and supposedly this man was) that is not moral and is considered Adultery. Secondly, I have so much emotion around me right now; I am so sad and angry about having been abandoned like this. I have already bought a shirt that says, “The More I Meet Of Men, The More I Like My Cat.” The last thing I need right now is another man coming into my life messing me up. I need supportive friends. “Friends” can be male or female. Needless to say, that guy and I had some serious words and he is OUT! Off of Facebook, Out! I did tell him I would continue as acquaintances but I don’t think that is going to work either. But wait, are your enemies still your acquaintances?

I wonder what HE does with his time, when not getting the house fixed up by his uncle. Wknds are when we used to go for drives with the dog and laugh over t.v. shows which I can hardly watch in full anymore without crying. I wonder if HE and the dog watch those same t.v. shows in full and he can laugh at them as normal without missing those weird comments I used to make. I wonder if HE eats anything healthy other then Bananas. I wonder if we really could be “friends” as HE wants to..months in the future. I wonder how my life spun out of control the way it did and if I will ever be happy again.

He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

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Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

My Storm Watch & Future Preparation

It’s Storm Watch.  Really.  Yes, ..I’m watching for it.  They’ve said for two days now we are supposed to have a storm with thunder, lightening, etc.  We had a wee bit of rain yesterday and last night, but thats it.  I need to go grocery shopping.  Whole Foods is a ways away.  I don’t want to spend an hour shopping at and have to drive home in the rain.  I don’t like driving when people don’t know how to drive and half the time they don’t use their blinkers anyway, so you should see it when its raining.  I found 27 pages of gluten-free foods at Whole Foods.  I am still watching for the storm because after it comes and goes, I can go shopping.  In the meantime, I am trying to finish what I have here. 

I am beginning to wonder if Blue Bonnet Margarine is really gluten-free.  Due to some stomach issues and that’s what I have increased lately;  I think it may not be.

In my last entry;  I talked about writing my book.  I’ve re-started it, albeit very slowly.  I also talked about my kidney transplant 6 years ago.  I got to thinking and talking to my husband.  6 years is a long time.  While his kidney is great and I have had no problems in that regards, that does not mean I will not have a rejection ever.

  I would really love to live in a mobile home park before I get to sick to enjoy it.  Why?  Because they have pools and club-houses and sometimes, activities and maybe I would want to walk around more in a smaller type community.  My husband said we can continue looking.  Who knows? maybe we can even rent something for a bit until we retire and move where we really want to go. 

I also thought of something else in the same regards.  Should anything happen to me, I would want someone to finish my book.  This is how important it is to me.  I just talked to my sister.  She has always wanted to be a writer.  Heck,  I even encouraged her to be a participant in the last Nanowrimo event.  I was so proud she participated.  She said she will finish the book should anything drastic (my passing) occur. I have already written the ending of the story at the top.  She would have all my diary notes and my manuscript to go from.     I very much doubt anything will happen but, it is in God’s hands, not mine.  

 

My Decorating Adventure- Phase II

Tomorrow, painting begins.  This is really exciting but everything is happening so fast.  I hardly (don’t really) have time to recover and get my life/house back in order from the first phase before we are doing the next step.  But, that’s how my husband is.  when he gets his mind set on something…we get going; even when we got married.  Once the decision was made..there was no long engagement.  We had 3 months to plan the wedding.  I remember kidding around and saying, “What is this a 90-day probation?” but we had dated at least a year before that.  Originally, we were planning to go to Vegas but my mother insisted on a church wedding.  But..I digress.

The dog and I will be hanging around the back yard tomorrow and getting some sunshine.  The cat will be in the bedroom.  My husband said the fumes should not be to bad and I should be able to get in the house once in a while as most of the day should be prep work but they did say the whole thing would be done within a day and a half to two days so…As soon as Hubby gets home, I’m out of here headed to the motel and then I’ll do it all again on Wed.

ADD & Time

I’m not sure my husband agree’s with the ADD  diagnosis but I do.  Actually, maybe he does but not with the idea of another medication.  He is insisting that this still has to do with the fact that I am afraid he may leave me.  This may have started from there or it may have started when my mother died but I don’t think I’ve even considered that for a long time.

  As far as the medication, my main problems seems to be focusing on something.  I’ll tell my husband I will watch a show with him after I take my pills and get a snack.  However, when I take my pills I have to be looking at the computer so I don’t focus on swallowing and I don’t choke.  While looking at the computer I get involved in reading articles or a Facebook Game or maybe even here at WordPress.  Soon my husband is asking me if I am still coming and I’m like..”Oh yeah, I’m sorry”  and I still need to make and eat a snack before I can watch something.  Plus, I’ll read a date for a doctors referral and think I missed the referral so I’ll e-mail my Primary requesting a new referral because the old referral expired.  After he says okay, I re-read the 1st referral and the date does not expire til next month so I am actually okay for another 2-3 weeks. 

 Things like this keep happening and are driving me crazyl.  Lately, I keep telling my husband I want to watch shows with him that I think have been recorded on DVR which haven’t been recorded yet.  He sort of snapped tonight and said he cannot invent time.

  My Therapist said ADD doesn’t have anything to do with Time Management but then again she hasn’t helped ADD/ADHD people in a long time so she may have forgotten.

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