Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

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First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

Finally Getting Sleep…7th Day.

And on the Seventh day, God rested. Yeah, I know that was after he made the world and all was good but I’ll gloss over that part. I’ll fast forward to the rest because that’s what Firepie and I are going to do tonight and tomorrow, and tomorrow night, and maybe even Sunday night if HE will keep Petey that long.

Today-

My day started crying during a conversation over birds. I was talking to a friend about birds in her garden and how she watches them through the window and loves to feed them from the bird feeders. I used to do that every day. I would even give them old bread. That started a sob fest. She went on and on and changed it to Humming Birds. Thanks, now your reminding me of the Humming Birds I fed every day and the nest in the back of the house that could be hatching any day but I won’t get to see.

Then, it’s washing my hair which is supposed to cheer me up but it doesn’t because I love hot water but water has to be constantly adjusted to get the right temperature and doesn’t stay hot like it did at the house. I was spoiled before and could take nice, long showers. So, I cried and wondered where Norman Bates was when I needed him. “Gee Officer, I don’t know. I know she was very depressed but there was absolutely no way those knife cuts could have been done by herself.”

I dropped the dog off and HIS uncle was there fixing up the house. Which tells me HE is seriously getting ready to sell. I looked in the frig and got a bit annoyed that he had not even opened the mixed salad I had bought him I left. He used to eat some salad and salads are probably healther then some of the junk he is eating now. Yes, I left him a note but I won’t tell you everything written in it. I’ve decided to keep a few things between Him and I, and hold onto at least one little straw that I have, which is all I have for at least a little while longer. Even if the straw is only in my mind. Physically I really have accomplished a lot in 7 days and mentally, I have not had a nervous break-down but; if I have to drop that straw right this minute. I cannot guarantee anything.

Let me see if I can remember all or most of what I have done this week:

Physically moved into the apartment.
Started unpacking.
Started seeing a Psychologist
Sent new address info to friends, family, DMV, Voters Info and CDL Info, and Social Security/Disability Administration, had televisions, utilities, etc. installed, walked Petey almost continuously and trained him to at least pee on the patio, bought numerous extra things for the apartment including a Mattress Topper today and a new pillow because I’ve started having back pains the last few days on the new bed, changed checking account address information and received temporary checks, Put up the shower curtain with rings in bathroom.

All this amidst much mental anguish and crying and pain. Plus, mini breakdowns with Xanax as my answer + headache, weight loss, diarrhea, etc. some of which is due to not taking care of myself because I am very depressed and exhausted.

But, it is the 7th day. I bought a beautiful Fieldcrest Mattress Topper at Target. It looks soft. I also bought a soft pillow to sink into. Firepie and I will be alone and we plan to curl up and sleep. As soon as I got home at 4:50. I put my pajama’s on. I don’t have to go out again tonight and that feels good.

Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.

Men = Football,Woman = Shopping

I just returned from my favorite thrift store titled Grateful Hearts in Los Alamitos, CA.  I actually need to check out their other store titled, The Feed Store which is located in Long Beach, CA. because I’ve heard they have more vintage clothing and I haven’t been there yet.  But, anyway, Grateful Hearts is having a  75% off sale today in order to re-stock and I can’t believe I spent less than $5.00 on two shirts (one for me and one for my husband), a Birthday Present for my husbands’ Niece, and a small item for the OCC box I am working on.  I have also already ordered a few items for Christmas and/or B-Days for later in the year.  I know it is only January but I am an all-year shopper and I need to start early in order to not go broke in December.

My husband went to watch football and eat dinner somewhere.  I wish he had taken a pic of my face when he invited me and said “it would be fun”.  No, I don’t think so.  I’ve entertained the idea of doing some of the same things he likes to do but going somewhere where guys get all excited when other guys knock each other down for a ball is not my idea of fun.  Plus, the yelling just increases my headaches.  No thank-you.  I told him, it would be like inviting him to a musical which I might find “fun.”  I know he wouldn’t  find that fun at all.

Amusing Spam

I have been sick since the 2nd so I saw my Primary first thing this morning and have been diagnosed as having a minor case of Bronchitis and I will be starting on the Z-Pack.  I’ve had the Z-Pack before and I am actually looking forward to taking it and finally kicking this crap.  I get so tired of being sick after a while.  It sucks when you are on immunosuppressants and get the same stuff over and over again.  Plus, sickness always last longer than everyone else and you just can’t kick it without antibiotics.

Actually, it isn’t just from the transplant and immunosuppressants.  I have been this way all my life due to my metabolic disorder.  I never did get the ‘Perfect Attendance Award’ in school.  I remember my mother telling me that was a stupid award anyway because it encouraged children to go to school while sick and getting everyone else sick.  When I was younger, I would wind up in the hospital with Bronchitis or the Flu for weeks at a time.  At least now I am older, I know how to handle things at home but I still get sick way more than I would like to.  Not that anyone likes being sick.

I’ve had some interesting Spam comments lately.  Obviously, I haven’t approved them.  Yeah, I know..it’s hard to tell sometimes if its Spam, Ham, Pam (what?’), etc.. but where do some of these come from?  One of them keeps telling me my writing has gotten boring to them and they will continue reading if my writing improves because they know I can do better.  Excuse Me!  Did I not mention, this is my real life?  Gosh, I’m so sorry my real life is boring to you.  Out of all the wonderful, exciting blogs out there you can read, I’m sure there are many interesting ones you can find to fill whatever fantasy it is to keep you going.  I’m not going to cater to you one spammer person because you find my blog boring that you are so important that I should change my life posts in order to keep you as a follower.  I am so sorry.

Then, there are the others asking how to like the blog by mobile or what server I am using?  What?  I have no idea.  This is WordPress, is it not?  I am not technological.  You figure it out.  Aren’t those technology questions, you would ask of WordPress?  Of course, we can’t forget the gobbledygook things like:  “This information is newsworthy and I will share it with my friend who is writing about such things and will find it interesting”,  “Your writing is amazing and news is interesting.  I will share with others and come back.”,  “I was searching for sites with news such as this, I will definitely return.”

Isn’t it wonderful?  These people were actually searching for true stories about people who have given change for the bus to those who don’t really need it and they thought it was news-worthy.  Apparently, their friends will too so they are forwarding that one and I may get more readers.  I don’t think so.

I would love to hear about some of your Spam comments.  Don’t you find them a bit amusing?

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