Last Post-My Truth

This will be my last post on this blog. I will be ending this one and starting another. Just as this chapter of my life is ending and re-starting.

I need to confess something to you. I haven’t been completely honest lately. I’ve been writing some fiction immersed with truth. While I do miss the life I had and the family we were, I am not still extremely depressed. I have been uncovering some truth, some facts about the man who claims he loves me but is no longer in love with me; bad things. Not just on one website or but numerous websites, phone numbers, accounts I had not known about During and after our marriage. I found HIS picture. I know my husband. I’ve washed those clothes. HIS picture. Needless to say, I am not waiting to get away from this.

I hired a Divorce Lawyer. I’m done. That was over two weeks ago. HE was served today. During those two weeks, I’ve been working off anger. So much anger. Yes, I still do cry once in a while about what was but; not as much and I hardly take Xanax at all. I couldn’t write that. HE reads this. So, I waited. Until Tonight..

HE DENIED IT! ..Every single thing. Come on. Man Up! Give some honesty finally, please. HE denies being on Any website, HE denies having any other account or cell phone, HE denies having cheated on me during or after our marriage. I Have Your Picture! HE says I don’t understand what I’m reading. What? so, I’m an idiot now? Seriously, If it was one site, I may have believed you, but it isn’t. HEe says I’m being spiteful. No, Sweetheart, (read in sarcasm) I’m not being Spiteful, I’m taking responsibility for myself. I’m taking care of myself legally. I’m covering my ASS. I don’t trust you anymore. I’m angry and I’m hurt about the way you ended our marriage after 12 years. You weren’t honest after 2 years if you were so unhappy for 10. Why would you be honest now? I’m paranoid of meeting/trusting any man again. You took my heart and kicked it to shreds after knowing my horrible history and promising me (not to mention our marriage vows which meant nothing to you) that you would never leave me or abandon me. I am not letting you control how the relationship completely comes to an end by using a Mediator or whatever verses an Attorney (I won’t even get into That issue here) because you don’t want to pay money for a Lawyer. To bad. You say, you want me to be happy. Well, I am. We are playing it my way now.

Sorry Readers, so that’s what’s up. He’s been Served! It took forever. I can finally get some sleep and peace. I am going to start a new blog and I will come back and follow a few of my favorites with a different name. When I come back, I will leave those people a comment of who I was (stillstrange). Until then, I really wish you all the best. I love WordPress.

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Health & Home

Wow, It seems like I haven’t posted in forever but that’s what happens when your stomach revolts from medication. So I went to the doctor with my usual sinus infection thing as my regular doctor wasn’t in. It sucked because my regular doc would have just called in Z-Pak and I probably would not have even had to see him. Anyway, this one puts me on Bactrim and Bactrim gave me diarrhea so bad that I was going all day and night. I swear, I think I lost another 2 pounds. This is not good. Needless to say, after 3 or so days of that crap (literally), I decide to quit that entirely. I called the doctor who suggested taking one more but I told her NO. The sinus infection is 90% better, and yesterday without the Bactrim, my body finally started to heal. Ugh.

It’s funny. I walk around this apartment complex and sometimes I glance in the windows of the other apartments and I think, Wow, people have really made their places homey. But, then I remember. THEY LIVE HERE!

This isn’t a vacation. WE LIVE HERE. FIREPIE, PETEY AND I. It is not going to just end and we are not going to go back to our lives before; Back to the family that we were when I was a wife and the animals would run to the door when their “daddy” would come home. My place is not homey because I have not put any pictures up at all. In my mind, I do not “live” here. This is not our home.

I remember a time before when we got to this point in the relationship and HE had said HE might want to separate temporarily and I had agreed to move out then. We had set the time for about 3-6 months or so. HE was going to stay in the house that time. I had gotten to the point of packing boxes. Somehow, in my mind, I did not think it was really over then..and it wasn’t. HE went to counseling before changing his mind. But, this time? You know the story.

Life Moments

It’s been a sleepy last few days. Even the dog seems to sleep extra. The Bactrim seems to be working for the infection or whatever I am recovering from. Yep, another wknd of the same crap I got in May which was one of the main reasons I could not go to Vegas for our Anniversary.

The dog and I are on a semi-schedule now. I take him for walks 3-4 times a day. Short walks. Just around the front of the complex area. Last night, a bunch of children wanted to pet him but he really had to go potty so it was not the best time.

The Ginger Root came which I am going to try for my Migraines but I think I am going to wait. I have plans on Sunday and I was up all night in the restroom. I am not sure if that is good to take with an antibiotic and if that was the cause of my stomach issues last night, it’s probably best to wait until after Sunday anyway and try again.

Funny story about this apartment. This complex is very quiet. However, I live directly across the walkway from a family with 5 children, one of which is a baby. That baby can scream! Well, since it’s been hot, they tend to keep the screen closed and their glass door open. Last night, I heard them having sex and suddenly I heard the baby scream. Good. Made them stop that. I didn’t want to hear that either. Usually, crying babies annoy me, but good for you Baby, you make them knock that off or close the doors and turn on the air conditioner. Sheesh.

I Got The Dog Back(& HIS Bad Reason)

Yesterday was one of the happiest days so far for me! I got my dog back!
The first week was shock and trauma and questions and tears, etc. Neither I, nor Petey, nor Firepie could figure out just what was going on nor why we had been thrown into this situation. We could not get our schedules figured out.

It’s been a month now and I’ve decided I want my Petey back. I want him sleeping with me, I want to know where he is, I want to be here when he is afraid of Fireworks on the 4th of July, I want doggie kisses and to spoil him with treats (even if I shouldn’t) and toys. I am his Mommy. Plus, I told Petey I would never abandon him like his dad did to us and I felt like that’s what I had done.

So, I called HIM. He said okay. He let me get Petey right away. He and I were friendly and civil. Well, we’ve always been friendly to each other. We’ve never fought. That’s the whole weird thing about this break-up. I asked HIM, if he has been so unhappy for the last 10 years of our marriage, why did he wait so long to do this? Why not let me go after two years? HE said he wanted to tell me sooner but I was always sick (NOT TRUE), he said he stuck around because he didn’t know who else would care for me: out of guilt. That’s a cop-out because he got the courage to do it now, all of a sudden. I told HIM how much what he has done has hurt me.

I told him how it makes me feel like I’ve wasted the last 12 years with someone who didn’t love me. Never mind the fact that HE has felt this way for 10 years verses 12. I could have given my love and made my vows to someone who really loved me and didn’t decide to give up because they didn’t want responsibility anymore. There might actually have been somebody out there that would have loved and accepted me for the girl I was then; and who knows, maybe actually helped me feel better and more accepting of my health problems verses making me feel worse by bailing because of them.

HE mentioned that HE is trying to be decent in this whole situation and he is wants me to be happy. He also mentioned that he cries to.. at least once a week. Once a week? What’s once a week? How about once a day or more? How about an ocean, to where you can’t count the tears? Why would I have sympathy for your once a week cryng over what you caused and supposedly wanted?

Needless to say, despite my tears of hurt mixed with my joy at getting my dog back, I could not look at HIM again, as HE stood at the garage door and watched us leave. I talked to Petey and backed the car out of the driveway of what once was my house;.our house. The house of cards that we built our love in, the house that crashed down but 52 Pick-Up is not meant to be played because most of the cards are missing. I tried to give the house key back, but HE wouldn’t take it. I don’t know why. There is nothing left for me in that house anymore.

Petey is home

Petey is home

UnHappy Month Anniverary

Today marks a month since the start of my Hell! Wait, that’s not true. Hell, actually started on the 13th but that was when the shock hit, I was moving today last month. Today is the exact day a month ago that I started on my own. The first night I cried my eyes out.in shock and despair over the changes in my life.

Let’s discuss Anniversaries first, shall we? Most Anniversaries are happy, joyous occasions. Like, the day you met, or how many dates you’ve been on, or how many years you have been married. They are celebrated making happy memories together with dinners and joy while spending time with the one you love.
Then, there are the sad Anniversaries, remembering those who have died. People go to visit gravesides then or maybe they go through old pictures, say prayers, eat a certain food in their memory. (Snickers, for dad) etc.

But, This Anniversary does not fit the profile. We will NOT spend it together. I may take myself to buy something but it would be out of the necessity of needing shorts, not to celebrate anything or because I am going anywhere. I may take myself to dinner, but only because I got a flyer about a restaurant nearby that has Garlic Tofu that sounds really good and I can probably eat it. (I’ll have to check what they have that is gluten-free). HE hasn’t died so I could not visit a grave site even if I wanted to..(which I probably wouldn’t anyway, because I have a hard time visiting people graves).

Oh Yes, Last night, I did cry. Almost to the point of needing a Xanax. I cried for what was. I cried for the husband I married who I believed loved me then. I cried for what is, the cards I have been dealt in my life, and the life I am living now. I cried because I miss my dog who used to lick me all the time and roll in my clean laundry. I miss my life that was stable and calm. I cried until I fell asleep.

But in good news, I slept until almost 10 o’clock this morning, which I haven’t done in a long time.

I hope HE reads this one today.
I hope HE thinks of me sometimes and how unhappy I am.

HAPPY MONTH ANNIVERSARY, if you do.
I hope you feel miserable and guilty for what you have done to your wife who has loved you all those years.

Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

    Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

Sloow Changes & Constant Wondering

Yesterday I didn’t post. I was tired of talking about it. Writing about it. Thinking about it. But, I DID think about it. I will always think about it..This whole life change and how I got back where I started through no fault of my own. A woman doesn’t dream of starting single, getting married for a short time, and then becoming single again for some unknown reason. It’s just unrealistic.

My days start to early. Even without the dog, I don’t sleep as long as I would like I’m hoping that will change eventually. I start my day with unpacking at least one box. Eventually, I will get this place completely done.

I did the laundry yesterday and mumbled to myself about how much I hated apartment living. It took like half hour to figure it out. You have to buy a card from a machine but when you buy the card, it has no money on it. (as the manager pointed out..”like a gambling card”) then, you have to use your credit/debit card to put money on the laundry card in order to do your laundry. Then, the laundry machine is weird and it said I had a Bad Card because you have to keep the card in the slot for so long until it actually starts working. Totally annoying. Plus, I am washing colors and whites together now. May as well. As long as I’ve pre-washed new things (which I think I will do in the sink when I get them) they won’t run and probably won’t shrink. Why waste extra money on what isn’t even a full load?

The garage sale is next week and since HE is gone this wknd; I am going to the house to organize and probably price stuff for it. HE wanted to know what day so he could ask his uncle not to come. I wouldn’t let him do that. I know why. It’s because he is probably paying his uncle extra to walk the dog during the day. I felt bad but it is his dog and he needs to take the responsibility for him. I am not going over there to walk the dog. I am going over there to work on yard sale stuff. Plus, I don’t know if I am going over there today or tomorrow so I am not going to post it here. Yes, it is very hard sometimes to play the part of Bitch, I must admit.

Since it hasn’t been long. My feelings switch. One minute I cry, One minute I’m pissed and one minute I am completely blank and in shock. Sometimes I wonder how he feels when he is alone with Petey in our old house full of memories. I wonder if he regrets his decision in any way? I wonder if he misses me at all or only the things I used to do for him. I wonder what happened to the love we once had.

Suffering Dog Guilt, But, It Was Best

I saw Petey when I dropped the stuff off for him yesterday. I feel so sad. He didn’t even bark at me when I showed up. That isn’t like him. He is 14 years old. This is a big change for him. He went from one family to another (us) and we loved him and spoiled him and I was home with him all the time and he slept with me. Now, he is alone all day while HE goes to work. This has to be a shock on the poor dog. He is 14 years old! I feel guilty today. I know HE loves that dog. I know HE will take care of him. I also know it was the best decision for me. But, I seriously hope the dog can adjust to this. HE won’t get another dog to keep Petey company, I don’t think. Petey had a cat for company before. Now, he has nobody while HE is at work, and this wknd HE is going away. I don’t even want to think about it.

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After the dog yesterday, I got the car washed, then went to Walgreens and picked up my prescriptions. I also ordered myself some food from The Gluten Free Mall. I’ve found most of the stores I go to such as Mothers, Whole Foods, Sprouts, etc. seem to be further away now so it’s better to just have most things delivered. I like to do that anyway and not deal with the hassle of people and aisles and carts and lines, etc. Plus, this way everything I can eat is all in one place and easier to get without contamination.

Physically, I am doing a bit better this morning. I am planning on going to the lab and then getting coffee and Starbucks for breakfast.

Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

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