Continuous Posting

I used to post once a day. Now I just post when and what I feel. I don’t care how often. If I drive you crazy, you don’t have to read. It’s therapeutic.

Today.

Today, I put the shower curtain up. I could not do the Shower Curtain Rod by myself. I had to call the maintenance guy and ask him to come. I actually heard him pound on it. So, it wasn’t me. It wasn’t as simple as everyone described. Anyway, as I was getting neck cramps snapping those stupid shower rings over the rod and through the curtain; I could not help wondering for the umpteenth time just what my husband is thinking. Why the hell would he give up a wife who cleaned up after him, fed him, made his lunch, brought his water to him, rubbed lotion on his feet when they ached; only because he was tired of being married? Why am I being being forced into friendship or letting him go in order for him to figure himself out? This is so NOT FAIR!

People are saying I should not write on here every day anymore or I should write happy things because HE reads this. NO!, I’m not going to change how my life really is because I have a specific reader. Actually, I am going back to generalizing and forget that he reads this. If he wishes to comment like anyone else, I will approve his comments just like everyone else, as well.

Do you ever watch Hoarders or Hoarders Buried Alive? Have you ever heard them say it started when someone left or died and they were devastated so they started shopping? I can’t see that but, I could see the slob part. I’m still not organized. I’m to tired to put it all away yet. (Today is day 6). So, while another box may get emptied..something else may go against a wall..waiting to be put away. It’s a slow process. I am not a slob. I really don’t like disorganization. I will see my counter eventually. But, I also have ADD. It’s hard to see projects to completion.

This wknd with the dog gone, I can focus a bit. I can also get some much needed rest.

The knob broke off my t.v. stand in the bedroom today. It isn’t really a t.v. stand anyway and the knob has been loose forever. I guess I don’t really need one. I can use the sides to open it. I kept the knob just in case.., I discovered the t.v. in the bedroom remote works for everything but Power. So, I have to get up out of bed to turn it on and off. That’s okay. It’s an old t.v. anyway and I remember growing up with a t.v. that didn’t have a remote at all. I used to have to turn the channel for my dad all the time when he was to lazy (whoops, I mean didn’t want to) get up and do it himself. My t.v. in the Living Room is also not the newest of models but it works and I am happy. I guess to work the dvd and Wii, I have to plug them in the front panel separately. Supposedly, I can use the remote for them then but they have their own remotes, so it doesn’t matter. HE offered to buy me a better t.v. but I don’t want a better t.v.

I want HIM to miss me and to love me again. I want HIM to honestly think about what he is doing and what he wants in life and what consequences this has already brought from his decision. I want HIM to re-consider the meaning of our marriage vows and the reason he fell in love with me in the first place and go to counseling by himself, if necessary before we go together. I’ve already started and am going back next week.

There was no texting from him today and when the phone buzzed earlier, I jumped. So, it is the first quiet and sad day. Last night, I cried myself to sleep with memories and pain, and I know tonight will be a replay. I will have to get used to this for a while.

These words go through my head over and over…

If You Love Something
Set It Free
If It Comes Back To You
It’s Yours
If It Doesn’t
It WAs Never Meant to Be

I’ve Set Him Free,, now who knows what is to be?

Oh yeah..and lastly, my lunch date for tomorrow has been canceled. My friend is sick.

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“He’s Abandoned Me..Love Don’t Live Here Anymore”

I knew I was in trouble today when I started looking up Gluten-Free Alcohol on the internee. I don’t drink anymore due to all my meds and haven’t in over a year. So, instead I had another crying attack and took a Xanax. Every day. Every day, I need one Xanax. Just one. My one a day happy pill. If that’s a horrible addition, to bad. At this time, I need it. Sometimes, it gets terrible. Sometimes, I want God to take me away. Sometimes I want to wake up from this horrible, awful nightmare and I want my husband back.

We bought furniture today. We also bought a refrigerator. No, he bought furniture today and refrigerator that I picked out. Then, I went to Target and got more stuff. Moving is expensive. Over $800.00 today alone. Wednesday, I actually sign the lease, the change of address card has been put in, the utilities are scheduled to start, the moving truck and furniture delivery is scheduled for Friday. Furniture arrangement is being discussed, cable options are being looked into, every room in the house is being gone through meticulously. Keep this.. Sell this..This is his. My Nightmare Dream is getting closer.

The diarrhea continues, I’m getting nauseated, I eat on auto-pilot, I can hardly sleep. He says he doesn’t love me anymore. I want to shake him. “Do something! Love Me Again!” “Stop this Sh It! I don’t want to do this. I want to crawl into a ball and cry or die or sleep.

And, that’s the only excuse now. “I just don’t love you anymore. I told you we could live as friends, but you don’t want to do that.” NO! I don’t want to do that. This isn’t t.v. I don’t want a roommate situation. I want a husband and wife relationship. Most every time you run out of something.. you get a refill of the same thing but it sounds like the refills are up too.

Good-Night
I’ll be in touch soon.

He Comes Home Today

My husband is coming home today and as expected, I got nothing done this wknd except laundry and working on my book a bit. It was a Smother’s Day Movie Marathon on Channel 150-Time Warner, so I did watch quite a few movies and I didn’t go anywhere due to not just energy/headache reasons; but also the fact that my transmission is slipping and I would really prefer my husband be local, should anything happen.

My husband forwarded a picture of his Mom and his Aunt so I could see them. It is sad how much weight his Aunt has gained. She used to be big before but… plus, her hair is so short, it is not attractive. I think she lost it big time when her mother died recently.

One thing I learned from the picture, (actually I knew this) if you are a large woman, I don’t recommend wearing splashes of color. At least in this case, it made her look like a Circus Tent.

Anyway, I guess it’s a cleaning frenzy today to see what I get accomplished before my Hero returns.

My Mother’s Day Vacation

My husband is off to Vegas to spend time with his Mother and Aunt for Mother’s Day and Our Anniversary. It sort of sucks but it would be wrong to put myself through pain in a hotel room and have to deal with continuous lights and noise right now. I will spend Mother’s Day with my beautiful babies:

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I don’t know if I will get the Mary Poppins motivation this time. I seem to always fill with good intentions but can’t seem to follow through.

Perhaps it will be a good wknd to get some writing done on my book, since I am alone with quiet.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

Blog Keeps Rolling and Rolling and Rolling

Some of you Readers and Faithful Follower (or even unfaithful ones..but that’s a whole nother topic) may have noticed I’ve changed my Blogroll at the side of my blog.  I mean, the list is still there but you may notice a few different blog titles then you’re used to.  “Why”  You ask?, I’m so glad you asked.  You see, I do not just Like blogs.  That is not possible for me.  I can Like a comment but I would almost rather comment back to a comment verses Liking a comment..unless it is a joke..in which case..it’s perfectly okay to like the comment; or unless you are commenting to someone elses comment.  That could also turn into a joke.  But..I digress.  Where was I?  Like?  Post?  Blog?  Oh yeah,  I cannot simply Like a blog.  I want to know more about you and why I’ve gotten so attracted, drawn, led over, pushed, subliminally swept toward.. arrived at your blog in the first place.  Liking it isn’t going to get me there, so I will more than likely become a Follower.  Here’s the thing;  With that philosophy; I am and will be following way to many blogs to put them all on my Blog Roll ..or even a Sesame Seed Bun..So, I just add blogs to my Reader and periodically update my BlogRoll with new blogs. 

For those of you no longer on my Blogroll, don’t despair.  Your blog did not go in the Blog Dumpster.  It has not gone to Blog Infinity and beyond.  It is actually in my Reader.  And, I’m most sure it will rise up again onto that Blogroll when you least expect it.  And you’ll go, “Wow, she loves me again?  I’ve impressed her.”  or maybe you’ll say, “Whatever, you stupid ______ (insert word there), it’s about time you add me back.”  In which case, I’m glad I can’t hear you in real life because that could cause for a Blogroll Ban. 

I’ve decided to switch the Blogroll up a bit.  Maybe make a Blog Sandwich of sorts…or a BlogStew.  Blog Hummus?  Hmm.    Anyway, so periodically (no I did not say when I had a period.  Don’t be disgusting plus, if you’ve been following; you know that would mean never. ) I said periodically which means once in a while.  I will switch up my BlogRoll and keep things interesting. 

There are a few reasons for this strategy.  One.. I get to read,meet,experience new blogs and the lives of others and 

                                                                              Two.. Should I ever get nominated for some award and need to pass the award nomination or whatever on to someone else. (Sometimes they want you to make a list of blogs that should get the award.) I will have lots of options.  

My Storm Watch & Future Preparation

It’s Storm Watch.  Really.  Yes, ..I’m watching for it.  They’ve said for two days now we are supposed to have a storm with thunder, lightening, etc.  We had a wee bit of rain yesterday and last night, but thats it.  I need to go grocery shopping.  Whole Foods is a ways away.  I don’t want to spend an hour shopping at and have to drive home in the rain.  I don’t like driving when people don’t know how to drive and half the time they don’t use their blinkers anyway, so you should see it when its raining.  I found 27 pages of gluten-free foods at Whole Foods.  I am still watching for the storm because after it comes and goes, I can go shopping.  In the meantime, I am trying to finish what I have here. 

I am beginning to wonder if Blue Bonnet Margarine is really gluten-free.  Due to some stomach issues and that’s what I have increased lately;  I think it may not be.

In my last entry;  I talked about writing my book.  I’ve re-started it, albeit very slowly.  I also talked about my kidney transplant 6 years ago.  I got to thinking and talking to my husband.  6 years is a long time.  While his kidney is great and I have had no problems in that regards, that does not mean I will not have a rejection ever.

  I would really love to live in a mobile home park before I get to sick to enjoy it.  Why?  Because they have pools and club-houses and sometimes, activities and maybe I would want to walk around more in a smaller type community.  My husband said we can continue looking.  Who knows? maybe we can even rent something for a bit until we retire and move where we really want to go. 

I also thought of something else in the same regards.  Should anything happen to me, I would want someone to finish my book.  This is how important it is to me.  I just talked to my sister.  She has always wanted to be a writer.  Heck,  I even encouraged her to be a participant in the last Nanowrimo event.  I was so proud she participated.  She said she will finish the book should anything drastic (my passing) occur. I have already written the ending of the story at the top.  She would have all my diary notes and my manuscript to go from.     I very much doubt anything will happen but, it is in God’s hands, not mine.  

 

Asking For Encouragement

yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my kidney transplant.  I am so thankful to my wonderful husband for donating his kidney to me.  Kidney-wise, I’ve been doing well.

I went for a blood test yesterday also because according to my doctor at Cedars, I may have a gene that affects my immune system which is why I seem to get sick like every 2-3 weeks.  It is so annoying to get a sore throat, cold, etc.  ALL the time.  If I have a low part of my immune system; they can send me for an I.V. infusion of some type for like four hours twice. (not twice a week, but he said twice… I’m not quite sure how often.) in order to pump up my immune system.  I am sort of hoping they find something and we can do this.

My next step after that health-wise is a Hysterectomy.  I am semi-young but am having problems in that regard.  I just need clearance from a few of my other doctors which I am working on.

Enough health talk – I started writing my book again, basically from scratch.  I am following from old diary notes and memory.  I am changing all names and a few of the details.  I may write it as factual first and then see what exactly to change.  My problem is this is really tough on my mind and I really need motivation to continue.  I have wanted to do this for a while.  I believe it will help others in the same type situations..maybe to realize how people can change from being good to suddenly gaining control without you even realizing.

Unfortunately, I am the type of person that needs people to ask, “How is your book going?”  “Are you still writing?”  or say things like, “You can do it.”  I would like to request this type of help from my friends on Facebook but I don’t know how to ask for this type of encouragement.

Fast March & Question 4 You

Wow, It really has been a while, hasn’t it?  March snuck up on me way to fast as did doctor appointments.  I got a phone call with a reminder of a doc appointment for this Monday which I could swear was in April so then I had to rush to the lab.  I also saw a doc about my headaches who put me on a new headache med as well as adjusted my Topamax and one of the two just makes me fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. or earlier….during my favorite t.v. shows.  It sucks because I seriously don’t remember the endings and I really was not one to fall asleep while watching t.v before.  To me, that is a bit scary.

In amusing news, Firepie is a bit annoyed her Aunt Lisa and her husband got themselves a cat.  When my friend Lisa came over to visit.  Firepie was all over her purse (as usual) and when Lisa was ready to leave Firepie didn’t want to get off of it and yelled at her.  She never does that!  I know she can smell Lisa’s new cat.  I discussed it with Firepie and she just isn’t sure about the situation.  When Lisa comes here; I guess we are supposed to talk about Firepie and give her the attention not the new cat despite the fact that Lisa and her husband saved it’s life.  Other then that, I guess Firepie is okay with it.

So, someone on Facebook asked what was one thing you are happy having done or accomplished so far and what was one thing you regret not having done or accomplished. I responded that I am happy having survived an abusive relationship but am annoyed at having not written the book about it yet.  I have no more excuses.  So, I sat down yesterday and started writing.  If I take it slowly, it will eventually come together.  I am going to work on it a little at a time (nothing like the Nanowrimo) competition.  This is a true story of my life and I really think it will help my mind to get this all out.  I started with notes yesterday, but I think I am going to start again today in actual story form and see where it takes me.

  Here’s the question for you: What are you happy you’ve done or accomplished in life so far and what is one thing you regret not having done or accomplished?  Just to add:  Do you think you may ever accomplish it?

*I would love to hear your replies.

Resolutions, Giving & Faithful Followers

Happy New Year!  My Resolution is:  Not To Make One.  I gave up on that years ago.  I have ADD.  I can barely concentrate enough to keep up with housework.  I shocked myself by completing a novel in Nanowrimo, but I still haven’t finished editing it or done anything more.  Anyway, if you resolve something, I wish you luck.

I want to talk about giving for a minute and obligations or feeling obligated.  When it comes to the holidays do you really feel obligated to give when you have received something or how about obligated to give..peried?  I believe that is so wrong and takes out the entire meaning of the Holiday.  Shouldn’t the spirit of giving come from your heart and shouldn’t the reception just be thank-you?  Here’s an example:  I gave my neighbor a small Christmas gift.  I know she likes Nativities and I found a small Nativity statue thing.  I snuck it over there on the 23rd so she would not have time to run to the store and buy me something, because I know they are having financial issues.  She called me up after Christmas and left me a msg thanking me and saying she would bring something over later.  I called her in the morning and we had a long talk.  She told me she didn’t like receiving presents and not giving back so she was making cookies for people and would bring over fresh cookies.  Okay, that’s cool.  My husband loves fresh, baked, cookies.  My neighbor said someone from her church did the same thing.

But it really makes me think about people and giving and receiving.  I think this is one reason a few of my relatives cut me  off a while ago from giving them presents at Christmas.  They did not want to have to buy for me.  But you know what?  They don’t.  I don’t do this for a gift back.  I guess I don’t think about giving and receiving the same as other people do.

Before I end this one, I want to thank my Faithful Blog Followers!  What fun stats from the last entry!  I do hope I keep you interested.  I know my topics have gotten a bit more serious lately, but it’s my real life.  As things quiet down, perhaps more humor and memories will evolve again.