Christmas Reality

     Christmas is coming and I suppose harsh reality has set in.  The reality that our family got together mainly or possibly only because of my mother.  When my father was alive, things were different.  Family holidays weren’t necessarily the dreaded events noone wanted to attend.  Although an argument may occur, the family did have fun together.  Heck, the preparation itself could be amusing as we used to have one of those gigantic fake tree’s with colored limbs and it would take hours to see which color went to which matching colored hole in the tree as the colors were never painted on exactly matching as they should have been.  
        After my father passed on, my mother met someone else.  She was happy with him.  We children weren’t to sure.  Some tried hard not to compare him to dad as he never could nor would take his place while I think others chose never to accept this man as good enough for mom.
     Anyway, this man owned a place in AZ and CA so they would visit AZ in the Winter where they really enjoyed partying with people their age.  Family Christmas’s had ceased as it would seem forced with this man there anyway; so mostly we were on our own.  When we did have family holidays it was because mom was in town so we should try to gt together.
    Mom is gone now as is her husband (but that’s another story) so what’s the point?  We are spread in different area’s and states and we suffer from our own ailmemnts and problems.  There is no parent we have to support and pretend we have that t.v. family relationship for anymore.  Nor  is there an obligation to call each other should we choose not to.  We never really did anyway.  We called mom’s and played “Pass The Phone”.  Presents?  Nope.  All obligations have ceased.  Although I never thought presents to be an obligation (a point I’ve brought up many times due to the fact that if you get someone a present and don’t wish is certainly not from the heart.). but for those that do wish to there may be a few e-mails, phone calls, and packages in the mail.
     I think it sad but probably common that when one loses both parents, most families divide and you are forced to grow up or at least become independent…no matter what age you may be.      

Drawing A Blank

Last night was my Grief Group and we talked about Grief Stages, etc. again sort of.
I am beginning to wonder if I should continue.  I feel Nothing.  No sadness, no Guilt, absolutely Nothing.  Just Blank.
  My husband  says he doesn’t think I am grieving and he thinks I am feeling guilty because I’m not.      Subconscious guilt?  Possible, I suppose.  My sister can relate and points out that maybe it is because of how we were raised.  We loved our mother..or tried to.  We could never make or keep our mother happy.  Mom wanted so much for us to be the people were were not.  No family lived like The Waltons, The Brady Bunch, etc.  We were always compared to her friends families.  Her friends children may have had wonderful jobs and perfect marriages but that’s only what mom heard and saw from her viewpoint or what was shared with her.  We could never live up to her expectations and the guilt trips didn’t always work which made things worse.
  I was in an abusive relationship for a long time.  In this relationship, the guy I was with would threaten suicide if I did not do what he wanted so I would usually give in.  It wasn’t for quite a while that I finally had the courage to learn about Domestic Violence and I faced what was going on and got out.  When I told my mother about my boyfriends suicide threats, my mother had said, “That’s wrong because that is abuse.” and I said, “But, you did it.” and I’ll never forget her response when she said, “Well, that was different.”  Was it really?  A family member threatening to commit suicide in order to have something done the way they want verses a boyfriend doing the same is different?  I suppose in hindsight..she is rignt.  It was different.  A family member is Worse!
  Anyway, so I am re-considering this Grief Grop.  Wondering if I should continue.  I’ve received numerous pages of info however none of it pertains toward me at all.  Not now, maybe later.
  The facilitator is now starting to throw at us the fact that is it is time to deal with the pain and grief like something big is coming p.  So, I guess all we’ve supposedly done so far is acknowlege it.  I haven’t acknoweged it.  How do you acknowlege something when you are blank?