Happy & Sad

We were supposed to have a garage sale this wknd. The final garage sale in the house of memories. But, how can we do that? Just the thought of looking into those eyes again, wanting to hug HIM while remembering the time he was in love with me or did love me.. How could I possibly have thought a garage sale would work? As it is, every time I got to the house; I remember. And then there is the dog. I don’t regret my decision of returning the dog to him for health reasons..I’m actually starting to sleep a bit better without the dog. But, I really miss the dog. I spent so much time cuddling and playing with my Petey-Pie dog. It’s hard to visit and leave; even knowing he is being taken care of by his daddy. So, I’ve canceled the garage sale. Just the thought of it was causing my stomach to start up. I called HIM today and explained that it was to much stress. I will go to the house tomorrow and get my Coca-Cola stuff back to sell another way. Maybe via e-bay or someone else will have a garage sale, I can join.

We also talked about the dog and a few other things. HE admitted to me that he has been unhappy for probably the last 10 years. Why would someone stay unhappy in a marriage for 10 years? I didn’t get a chance to ask that. But I guess it doesn’t matter. I see that 2% chance slipping further and further away.

After I hung up the phone, I cried.

It’s like I said in my last post. I guess one person has to be unhappy for the other to be happy. I don’t know if HE is happy now. I know he is free. I don’t know what will change in 9 months time to make HIM want to come back to me. It sounds like HE is happy being free, while I am miserable. Back to square one with only my cat. He mentioned again that HE would like to be friends again in a few months. Does he mean after I get over the hurt and pain of the separation? What will change then? Last I checked, we will still be separated.

I’m actually glad I canceled the garage sale. After that one phone call ruining my day, I cannot imagine what a mess I would be after 5 full hours with the man.

If you love someone set them free
If they come back to you, they’re yours
If they don’t, they were never meant to be.

Yeah, I changed it a bit.

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He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

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Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

Getting To The Bottom Of The Problem

Well, today was the day I was both waiting for and dreading.  The day of the specialist/surgeon appointment.  This one was a lady and she was super nice.  She didn’t have to use that horrible tool this time and she  totally empathized when I told her about what happened with the rude, male doctor I saw (who is in the same medical group and office she is in.  They have like 4 or 5 exam rooms or whatever and 4 or so doctors so it’s not like he heard me, not that I care).  Anyway, she even explained what can cause the fissures to be painful and a bit of how to try to keep your diet stable in order to handle it.

We are going to try, yet another, type of cream but this one has a really high success rate for curing people.  If it doesn’t work; our next step will be Botox into the area.  She said Botox does pretty much the same thing as surgery.  She said surgery is a last resort because some people who have surgery can become incontinent when it comes to gas or bowel movements and then they must have a follow-up surgery later.

Now, I have to find a Coumpound Pharmacy somewhere close to me and see if it is covered by insurance and how much this is all going to cost.    I would say I also need to have patience but it’s been over a year so I have lots of that.  Plus, if theres a real cure for this, it’s worth the wait.

What I Do

I feel so bad when people lose their homes and possessions due to fires, floods, etc. through no fault of their own.   I can’ t imagine if that happened to me.

For those that have been following for a while, you may know that I drop boxes off to those in that situation when I can.  I do not do this through The Red Cross or The Salvation Army nor any other organization.  I do this because I care.  Also, because I am a Christian and believe God calls us to love and care for one another in time of need.  I remember the first thing I ever sent to someone was a dress or skirt and a flower-pot.  My mother thought I was nuts.  She actually said, “Who would want a Flower Pot?” but, I said “You never know. They may have enjoyed gardening at one time.”  I used to read about a disaster and send a box marked ‘Fire Victim’ with a street name.  I soon started adding a card to see where my boxes wound up.  I’ve received some interesting thank-you notes.  I used to go to the same Postal Store all the time to mail my boxes.  The 911 hit and boxes will no longer be received without an actual street address.

I am now focusing more locally except when I can get the name of a church or charity accepting donations.

A few days ago, there was a fire at some apartments not far from me.  Quite a few families lost everything.  Today, I took a box over to the school that is the temporary shelter for them.  I waited in the parking lot for a few but not seeing anyone, I left.  I went to the actual apartments where some Security Guards told me that they are not even allowing The Red Cross back in anymore as they have already been there once and people do not want them going through their stuff.  They also informed me some people had gone to a local motel.  So, I went to said motel and talked to the girl at the desk.  As luck would have it, there was one person still there who had been involved in the fire.  She said she would deliver my box to said person.  I left it with her.  The person may be an actual family of people, you never know.

I have waited in parking lots before for over an hour before giving a box to someone in need, I have actually handed a box to someone who has come home to re-build, I have mailed quite a few.  It is what I do.

I pray for those in those situations. and if it were me in that situation, I would hope someone would do the same.

Finding Ex Information

While at the Therapist today, I was talking to her about my book and the fact that I am still freaked over my ex and I would really like to know if he is even alive or around here.  She had just said something about praying about finding a way to find him should that be what God wants when it suddenly hit me.  He used to have a girlfriend prior to me whom he had a baby with.  As a matter of fact, she kept visitation away from him as long as we were together due to him not working and that was the reason he was thrown in jail the times he was.   I think the name of her father popped in my head while at the Therapist.  I am going to see if I can get a hold of her father in order to get the information I need.

I know she herself, is now married or she was a long time ago however, and after we (my ex and I) split up she wanted nothing more to do with me.  It was really weird because she even called my mother once but although I did send her one letter she never responded.  And she had sent me letters while in the relationship telling me terrible things he had done to her.

Anyway, I can only pray her father is still alive and has the information I need.  I found a # for an office in his career field and in his name which I may try calling tomorrow to see if it is him.

Funny, but I am afraid to put to much out in public due to fear.

 

Also, tomorrow I am hoping to go to the Lab as I cannot get the CT-Scan done until I get the Labs done.   I sure hope my stomach/head holds up this time as I really need to get checked out soon.

Hope Thx To More Problems

The Disability notes pretty much stop in 2010.  They barely have anything on me.  I’ve gotten much worse since then.    The main problem is that a lot of my problems don’t have a lot of hard evidence to back it up plus I have a lot of difference problems going on and I think Disability likes to focus on a main one.  Plus, my claim started with my Kidney Problems however, since then we have discovered problems due to my Metabolic Disorder and my ADD has been causing problems since I have gotten older and I’ve had to adjust my depression medication.  I could go on but it is Disability I need to convince.

Anyway, I am getting copies of my medical records from as many doctors as I can despite the fact that I only have 2-3 days to go pick up the copies.

I finished the last of the Z-Pak the day before yesterday (I think) and I am finally feeling a bit better.  I am still a bit off and am afraid to go visit everyone again yet but ..