Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

PETEY DID IT!!!

HE DID IT! Petey pee’d on the patio! This is a break through. I used a combination of things people were suggesting including taking him out for the last time around 9:30 and not leaving much water down for the rest of the night. I also left him out for an hour or so at a time a few times during the day while feeling guilty as he would only whine and lay down and look at me. But, this morning at 5, I woke up and put him out for a few knowing he had to go and went in the other room. When I got back, there was a big, fresh puddle on the patio. He did it! I was/am so proud. I immediately canceled the Dog Litter Box purchase. Having had a kidney transplant and being immuno-suppressed, I know it really isn’t good for my immune system to be cleaning litter boxes all the time, and I already deal with Firepie. Petey can do it and that is what matters.

As for yesterdays post, I sincerely hope HE doesn’t hate me now. I really hope HE understands my reasoning. I know HE can be impulsive. I really hope my requests for privacy (minus important communication) doesn’t backfire and make him step away further and quicker.

I also got to thinking, what if I can’t do this? Keep the boundaries, I have set. I’m sure we will be friendly to each other during the garage sale (whenever that may be) but other then that, it is hard to explain how much this rule I have made is killing me. Before we got married, we were friends.

It’s only been 6 days and I still (will I always?) think as his wife. I wonder if he has clean laundry. I wonder if his food supply is starting to run low. In my heart, I want to do his laundry and mine together when I drop off Petey tomorrow. But, I AM NOT DOING THAT! As a matter of fact, I am not even doing my laundry there. Which is another issue because I’m not sure I want to do it here either. They have nice laundry rooms but if I go to a nearby laundry mat, I could just stay there and read a book or watch t.v. until it is all done completely.

Today, I am planning on getting more boxes unpacked and putting my shower curtain rod and curtain up. I may not want to think of this place as home, but I still need to deal. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week, I’m avoiding doing laundry on the property because if I start doing laundry on the property I am admitting that I live here. (refer to above paragraph). I need to call and write some doctors and let them know what is going on soon too, and soon I need to get re-started on some of my medical procedures. Today, I also need to pay bills, buy stamps, and make sure Petey has a can of food to visit his dad this wknd.

I really hope this wknd won’t screw him up on his using the patio and HE remembers not to let Petey use the Dog Door.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

– PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Home of Broken Heart

I don’t know how to-do this. I don’t know how to not be a friend to the man I love. I don’t know how to not be the wife that I want to be. I don’t know how to be mean or not care. I texted him today. I should NOT do that! As someone pointed out, I have contacted him every day since we parted. But, it’s only been two days. The move was on Friday. I haven’t seen him. Seriously, I don’t know how to do this!

He asked me today for his mothers address since I have the Address Book but then I re-thought it. He can call her. He needs to ask his friends/family for that information. He didn’t/doesn’t want a wife anymore. He said he loves me but isn’t in love with me. That’s lame.

Anyway, my internet and t.v. is connected. Okay, one t.v. is connected. I have to buy a plug thing that holds more then one plug. I had one. I had two. The guy used one and I had the other in my hand but I put it down somewhere and I can’t find it. I looked all over but I don’t know where it is. The guys said it was okay but I started to cry. It’s not okay. It may never be okay again. My husband doesn’t love me. I had to be mean and didn’t give him his moms address (that was later in the day), I cant find the stupid, plug thing. Firepie barfed on the carpet this morning.

I went to the Counselor/Therapist, whatever this afternoon. I don’t think I will be going to that one anymore. The drive was crazy. It took me in like circles. I don’t like driving anyway especially in traffic. The drive was to long and I went by at least 3 places, he and I had gone to together. A furniture store where we looked for (purchased?) our sofa for the Living Room at the house, restaurants, Knott’s Berry Farm. I gave hin a shirt that he wore to Knott’s Berry Farm and he looked just like Charlie Brown. It was really cool. I don’t want to drive by there every time I go to the Therapist.

I got tons of boxes unpacked and you can almost see the whole Kitchen/Living Room. And, last night I watched Hoarders on dvd trying to get some normalcy in the situation. Because that’s what I would have done at home (the other place). I still have a hard time calling this place home because like my friend said, “Home is where the heart is.” and my heart is where my husband is, but, at the moment, he doesn’t love me anymore. So, my heart is broken.

With Or Without Him

When I am with him, I am okay. Because he acts as if nothing has changed. We are friendly to each other. I can’t fight with him. There is no reason to. I don’t know why I still buy him food and do his laundry. Yes, I do because the mindset is not here yet. However: the packing goes on. We will be separating but without legal separation papers at first because that costs money and as he said, “If we do that; we may as well just get the divorce.” but, we can’t get the divorce due to medical insurance.” At least, not yet. Maybe in 9 months, he will have had a raise or maybe I will know where/if I am going. I may like the apartment so much; I’ll want to keep renting.

I think my headaches have decreased a bit because he is still here. It has only semi-hit. Like a compact car verses a big-rig. However, my stomach is in knots big time. Crazy diarrhea. I thought it was my diet which could play a factor as I was just starting to keep track again like I was supposed to, but it’s a combination of everything, I think. I know stress can play havoc on your body.

I am praying to hear from the apartments today with the approval of everything and the actual date finalized. In actuality, we only paid for the credit check. They are doing a thorough background investigation. In the meantime, there was a 2nd apartment that was perfect as far as location, amenities and square footage. They had said one would be available on the 8th or sooner. If they called tomorrow and said one was available; I may change my mind due to location purposes. But, they won’t. They aren’t even listed online anymore. This is stress talking. This is so freaky going to a new place, being in limbo and not knowing when, knowing I am going on my own,

I just took the dog to the vet a few days ago but I think I may have to take him again. He seem to be whining and curling himself up which he does when he back starts to bother him, plus, he is scooting and needs an anal express. The vet know the situation, I’m in. Maybe they can just give him some hydrocortisone without an office visit. They’ve done it before.

Crazy Casino Trip

Yesterday, I went on my first bus trip to a casino with a friend.  Let’s just call the friend Amy.  The bus trip company or casino company gave us $10.00 in free slot play on the casino card, however, it also cost $10.00 to ride the bus.  We got 3 1/2 hours at the casino despite the fact that the ad stated 5 hours.

Anyway, I knew Amy; was slow because  she has had many previous problems in the past, plus, within the past year she has survived a coma or brain aneurism.  However, I did not know how many problems she was dealing with.  I think she wants/tries to be independent but she really isn’t and should not be left alone to often.

She had severe freak-outs; – when they forgot to give me a badge when we got on the bus (you need a group badge to get on and off the bus), when they took her Driver’s License before going to another room to wait for her name to be called for a club players card, when we were on the way home and she thought we were at our exit but we weren’t and she was practically insisting we needed to get off the bus because “There is a chicken place here and there was a chicken place where we got picked up.” She got annoyed with me when I got a little disoriented on where things were once or twice because I had forgotten we had to go to a different building and had a question about my club card, she had brought a big purse instead of a fanny pack but it turned out to be to heavy for her to carry around so she kept leaving it and walking away  so I was constantly keeping it with me or worrying about it getting stolen, she spent almost her entire budget within the first half hour on a nickel machine because she insisted on playing around 80 cents; despite th fact I told her and even set the machine up for her to play a dime,  (she was broke by dinner so I bought for both of us) she would wandered away and  forgot where I was and supposedly had me paged, but I didn’t hear the page because I am hard of hearing.  Plus, I could not call nor could she call me because I had her purse with her phone in it but eventually she did find me again so we quickly got dinner and ate it on the bus.

Then, after getting dinner, I had to call the restaurant because although the menu said it was stuffed crab with shrimp; it did not say it was fried.  I called to ask what type of oil they fried it in; the restaurant guy said Canola. But, I am wondering since my body had a yucky accident while sleeping last night.  Also,  while at one machine; a lady sat at the machine next to mine and decided to light a cigarette and blow and wave the smoke directly in my face.  I immediately cashed out, since I am not a smoker and the smoke really is not good for me; but I could totally tell it was deliberate and when I stood up; I looked at her and she had the nerve to smile at me.

I said a prayer and took my and Amy’s things to a table nearby to wait for Amy and I watched as the stupid, bitch..I mean lady..I mean woman used the machine for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before leaving.  If I weren’t a Christian; I’m sure I could have said a lot and I really wanted to comment on how rude that was but I was already stressing over Amy and wherever she was and having visions of abductions or whatever because you hear a lot about that nowadays.  I had enough to worry about then getting in a fight in the casino with some stupid, rude, stranger.

Before we had gone; my husband had mentioned the idea of Amy and I going once a month on the bus trip and maybe trying different casino’s.  Unfortunately, Amy has already latched on to the idea and she even came over today and thanked me for yesterday and said she had fun and maybe we can go somewhere else next.

I think I am going by myself next time.  I may go again with her but I would much prefer someone else with us.  My husband says to give her another chance but, it would have to be the same place and with her memory and how she spends her money; I don’t know.  Maybe, we can get her mother to join us and then I won’t feel like I am stressed out and playing Babysitter.   Right now, I am trying to deter her and mentioning going to the mall, or back to the vintage store, or the restaurant or even just clearing off my pool table so we can play pool soon.  I don’t mind hanging out with Amy, but considering the situation; 3 and a half hours turned out to be a blessing this time.

Amy is 8 months older than I, by the way.

Your Advice, Please

It is a new year and I am debating on writing a letter to an old friend.  It is a friendship I am sad to have lost.  It was her choice but..

The story goes like this:

While in school, in the early 80’s, the girls had to take Modern-Dance while the boys took Football for P.E.  Our teacher made us take hands with another girl in order to become partners or she would assign someone. (I wonder if that could have started Lesbianism? lol) but I digress..  I asked a blonde, girl if she wanted to be partners and she said “Ok.” and so we danced.  (That sounded dumb.)

We became close friends.  I was a Bridesmaid in her wedding.  She made me wear a horrid, pink, dress.  (The dress wasn’t horrid, but the color was.  I HATE PINK!!).  She stayed with me for a while when she had problems with her husband, she was there for me during my many crisis with men.

Our lives went different directions.  We had a fight.  I don’t remember why.  Her last request was for me to be sure to tell her if I ever got married, or had children or whatever.  And I did:

The problem:  I was getting married.  We weren’t talking at the time but, I left her a msg and told her I was getting married.  I try to keep to my obligations with friends if I can.  But, there was no room for anyone else to attend.  She called back and said that she wanted to come to the wedding but there was absolutely no room and no way I could have invited her.

Needless to say, she was offended that I did not invite her.  We were not even speaking at the time.  I had only told her to meet my obligation.  It did not sound as if she really cared anyway.

I’ve apologised again and again, to no avail.

But, it is 2013.  It’s been almost 13 years.  I have started receiving Christmas Cards from her over the past 2-3 years, I wonder if she would be receptive to writing again.

Do you think I should try or continue to leave it alone and pray she will eventually forgive and come back on her own, if God wants us to be friends?

Please give me your opinion on this one, as I really don’t want to make the wrong decision.

*Later in the evening: –   Thank you for those who gave their opinions:  I have taken the step and written and mailed a letter to her today.  It is up to God now and of course to her to see if there will be another step.  It is time to start anew.  Hopefully.

Sharing The Giving Experience

Last night after watching half of the series of Roots which was on t.v. or my husband had taped it previously.. we went for a drive and looked at Christmas lights which we do every year.  This time we had our 13 year-old dog with us and I had also brought my  bag with me that was filled and ready to give to a Homeless Person.

It had been a long drive this time and my poor dog was tired and he kept laying on my arm and he would lay his nose and head in my shoulder instead of on the window ledge in the cold night air periodically.  Plus, I also, was starting to get tired but I would have been willing to check out one more area for lights.  Plus, with the cold. I didn’t have much hope of seeing a homeless person, which was actually a good thing because I really wanted to believe no one would be out on Christmas Eve and they would have shelter somewhere.  But alas, my husband and I saw someone at the same time.

8 p.m. may not seem late to most but when it is cold and you are sitting alone on a step next to a Liquor Store looking as  if you are asleep with your head on your hands and your hands on your legs, 8 p.m. is probably really late to you.  Although, we did not see the person as having a bag or a cart, they seemed to be homeless and did not look as  if they were waiting for a ride.  At first, my husband looked at me.  I know he wanted me to be the one  to take the bag to this person, but I had the dog, and I could not toss him aside this time.  My poor, tired, 13-year old dog.  So, my husband volunteered to take the bag to the person in question.  We were both surprised to discover said person is a Girl! I yelled Merry Christmas to her before we drove away and my husband was telling me how happy she seemed and that she was already starting to look through the bag.

It reminded me about God saying whenever you give to others, it is the same as giving to him.  I am so happy to have been able to make that Christmas Eve miracle plus, I think it was good for my husband to have had that experience.

I hope you have all had a wonderful Christmas (or whatever Holiday you celebrate) so far.

 

 

Shrooms, Hair & Helping

I am winning!  I am conquering the Mushrooms!  The Baking Soda/Water mix is a miracle although I am using way more Baking Soda than called for and pouring it directly on the Mushrooms.  Even after the rain, they are not popping their heads back up as quickly.  Most are laying dead.  When I told my husband I killed them, he asked me if I “nagged them to death?”  Yeah, I guess maybe that was part of it too.

I also had my hair done today and I finally like it.  It is back to or a bit darker than the natural color.  It is really close to the root color which is a dark brown.  I have been trying different places and the stylists kept saying, “You dont want that, it to dark.  You want this color.”  Than, I would come home and not like it.  This happened over and over again.  I believe I finally found the place I like.  Plus the price is good and it’s close to home.

Okay, now get this:  So, I mentioned I helped a few people on Aidpage.com to have Christmas and I believed they were legit.  One lady thanked me and said she filled the stockings with everything I sent plus said the shirts could be worn for school; but then she had the nerve to ask if I thought it would be wrong of her to post on Aidpage again for a few more presents for under the tree.  My mind immediately flipped and I thought, this Witch isn’t in need.  How ungrateful is this woman!  I wrote her back and politely apologised that her gifts were small but said that was all I could afford. (she has 6 children!)  I also mentioned that people are saying that Aidpage is actually supposed to be a site for advice and not necessarily to ask for gifts and a lot of people who are asking for gifts have absolutely nothing and would be thankful for a card for their child for Christmas.  Anything, to call it a Christmas and now she has something.  At least she asked my opinion, but that took a lot of nerve.

Health & Helping

I saw my doctor yesterday as a follow-up to surgery and I am doing very well.  He actually said the pain should go away completely soon and was surprised I only needed one Vicodin while recovering.  Well, I am a Migraine Sufferer and have been told I have a very, high pain tolerance.  One doctor or nurse went so far as to tell me if I ever gave birth, I probably would not have a problem.  Guess, I’ll never know.

I helped someone else anonymously on Aidpage.com.  She had written her address on the wrong page so I simply sent a toy to her for her daughter for Christmas.  It is coming directly from Walmart and I don’t think my name will be on the label since it is being paid through Pay-Pal,  so she will have no idea who it is from.  Now, that is the way to get a Christmas Present.

I know I need to stop spending money as I am getting a bit nervous about the upcoming bill, but I do need to go to Walgreen’s for basics and I heard they are having a toy collection for Chips For Kids so maybe one more thing.  I wish I were rich and could afford to help everyone who cannot afford Christmas.  It’s my favorite holiday.  And, every day there is a new story on Aidpage.com.  It’s getting closer to Christmas yet the stories keep coming and coming.

Just like the Mushrooms in my backyard, per yesterday’s post.