Funny Memory & Reality

Someone made a comment with the word ‘Twat’ which made me think of something totally off topic to the situation at-hand. It’s good to get your mind off things once in a while. Here’s a true story about a teacher who was also a Priest in Catholic School or CCD which was part of Catholic Education while growing up. This Priest was really cute and he was teaching us about words. We were in Jr. High and he asked us for swear words to write on the Chalk-Board. At first, the room was dead silent. And, he said, “Don’t worry, God isn’t going to strike you down.” so, I said it really softly; the first one brave enough to say something as I slunk into my seat. “Twat.” Everybody cracked up. Father Tom (don’t remember his real name) said, “Come on, you can do better then that.” and wrote my word and like the S word on the Chalk-Board, then we started rolling. After the Chalk-Board was full of words, he started to go over the true definitions. This is a woman’s body part, this comes from the body of a dog, etc. When you insult someone, you are really not doing anything. In this way, knowing what the words you are using really mean is taking away the power. It was one of the most informative and fun CCD classes I attended.

Back To Reality:

I was at the house yesterday for hours moving things from inside the house to the garage. HE never believes we have anything for a garage sale, but this time, we do. I think I may text him about putting the ad in the local paper so I can mention the Coca-Cola Collectibles and maybe get some collectors there. I wound up feeding the dog and the poor dog freaked out when I tried to leave. Actually, at first I had only been there for a little while and was going to my car and he started yelping. I had to let him come with me. When I actually left, I gave him a treat first. But, he still started barking at being left alone. I am going back today to do some more..hopefully actually organizing and maybe pricing of things.

My Living Room is almost unpacked and the bedroom is done. I may finish the last two Living Room boxes this morning. Then all I will have left is the bath. I have the empty boxes folded up and stacked since I will be moving again in 9 months and it is a total hassle to find and have to buy boxes again.

I really do not feel like this is home (Well, it’s only been 15 days!) and the house is not home anymore so I sort of feel as if I am homeless now. Plus, with my husband saying he doesn’t love me anymore or..he loves me but isn’t in love with me…Whatever. It’s just depressing to feel unloved and practically homeless. Just because you have a roof over your head does not make a place home.

I still want to wake up to what my life was once. Back in my big bed with my cat AND dog, my husband whom I thought loved me can be in the next room..that’s okay. But, we can be okay again. And, this can all be one Big-Ass Nightmare..never to have happened. He would laugh and think I was crazy, or he would say I’m taking way to much medication and should probably talk to a doctor and change that, or he would think I was losing my mind and need to get a hobby. But, it would be normal and I would make his lunch for work and make his dinner once in a while. Heck, I’d even make him a couple Egg Sandwiches which I know he loves and I hate to make and would wear a mask while I made them because I hate the smell.

Don’t worry, I haven’t flipped. I know the difference between reality and dreams. I’m getting it. I Hate It but it’s setting in. There is no one to “take care” of me, but me. It’s what HE wanted. HE also said at one time HE wanted me to be happy, but HE can’t have it both ways. I think in order for one to be happy, the other has to be miserable unless something is decided together.

Still Sick and Thinking Realistically

Still sick which doesn’t surprise me. I could not do it and still talked on the phone.
I only have to take the dog stuff over today and that’s it since I have just re-scheduled my Psych appointment to next week. It’s a bad idea to see the Psych today when my body and head are already foggy, plus, I need to talk during those appointments.

HE won’t be there to drop off the dog stuff since HE is working.

I was thinking last night and yes, you (all of you) are correct. 2% is a number HE picked out of the air to give me for any hope of getting back together in the future because I need/needed one. He knows it would break my heart if he said Never. I’m not quite sure how far this goes back that he has been Serious about leaving me. I really believed some or most of his comments were in jest.

I keep saying I want to hold onto something. But, as you have pointed out, why hold onto someone who doesn’t love you? Because this is the man who once DID love me. This is the man who walked down the aisle with me swearing before God and the world that he would love me, “In Sickness and in Health Until Death Do Us Part!” This is the man that loved me enough to give me his kidney so I could live. Yet, somehow, there was a turn in his mind.

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but I plead, beg and search for a legitimate answer. Anything to tell me just what and when our lives went so very wrong. Seriously, I need to accept the reason that I was sick to much? That makes him sound very selfish and carries on the trend of almost all my previous relationships. Was he thinking of this before or after he wanted separate bedrooms because he said my nightmares and side effects from meds kept him awake?
I would be happier if I found a picture or any other evidence of him having had an affair because I would get an answer. I could connect the being sick to much and lack of sex to the affair and it would make sense.

What kills me is..there is no closure. Not in the divorce, separation sort of sense. I still need to get myself ready for that. In the whole reasoning sense. This is worse then every other break-up I’ve had because there have been reasons for those. Some of which were stupid.

He is very determined and stubborn. Usually when he sets his mind to something, he does it. If he has really set his mind that this is final, there is to be no 2 or any %. No matter how much I cry, beg or pray. I know I need to wrap my mind around that.

What you all need to understand is I can’t go one minute hearing I definitely want to separate, two weeks later in an apartment and BOOM! be Divorced! It is to much in one swoop. This is why I am taking time to digest all this and slowly face reality and all facts. Facts. Not reasons; because I can’t find anything legitimate. I am starting to understand (on my own) there is no hope for a future with him. The acceptance part has not exactly set in but it is coming; the preparedness in my head is starting. It is not HIM calling the shots, it is me.

I will always love him in my heart but I will never understand and to have no closure; No real reason, Other then to say “You are sick to much”, or “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t like responsibility” just doesn’t cut it. I would rather have something more specific.

I am/was not a clingy wife. I did not put boundaries on my husband. I did not set rules. I’ll always remember when he we had this conversation:

S: “After we get married, Am I still going to be able to play Basketball?”

Me: “What do mean? Are you going to break your arm?”

S. “Well, some guys are saying when you get married the girls change and don’t let you do anything anymore.”

Me.: “When you get married, you add to each others lives; not subtract from them. Of course you can still play Basketball and I will still Karaoke.”

So, HE played Basketball and Volleyball and Softball, I Karaoke and Write. We did things together. We went to movies, car rides, things that pertain to animals..like the zoo, gambling trips, etc. probably not as much as he would have liked due to my being sick. But, we did things.

Since I had health issues that affected our sexual life: I didn’t mind if he looked at porn on the computer. I gave him time and stayed in the other room; if he and a buddy wanted to go to a strip club once in a while it was fine. Although, I did notice it become a bit more current within the last few months.

I gave the man everything he wanted and in return he leaves after 12 years of marriage. Without giving me the one thing I really need. A legitimate, true, reason.

First Day of Laughter Since My Hell

Bad News-Sick Today. Guess my body is telling me to slow down and my throat is telling me to stop talking. I only had one errand which will have to wait until tomorrow. My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon tomorrow so I can do todays plan tomorrow morning.

In good news- Yesterday was actually a decent day with laughter. I think it was the first day of mostly laughter. Went to Ruby’s Diner for lunch with a friend. I asked the guy who took our drink order if he had a Gluten-Free menu and first he asked what Gluten-Free meant. That’s a normal question, and in my case it means I can’t eat wheat, which I told him. But, then he asked “Why?” I got thrown off. “Why?” Who asks that? My friend was like, “IBS” and I added, “Yeah, Bowel Issues, Stomach Problems.” He said he was sorry as he just wanted to know and would get the server who knew more then he did. He was a young guy, probably straight out of high school; but my friend and I cracked up. “Why?” How about, because I woke up one day and thought it would be fun to bug people who work in restaurants with making orders complicated and figuring out what and if I can eat anything in your restaurant. Anyway, I wound up ordering a Veggie Sandwich on a Gluten Free Hamburger Bun and some Garlic Fries. The Garlic Fries did have some vegetable oil in them but since I’ve already had some stomach issues lately, it’s not like it’s much worse and the sandwich/bun thing was excellent. But the bun was so big I could hardly get my mouth around it. (Quiet, Celaine!). I haven’t eaten in a restaurant or that much food for so long, I could only eat half so the other half is in my refrigerator for today.

Then, last night, I got re-acquainted with an old friend from years ago. Suffice it to say, this is a person of whom we have had falling outs over and over again but our friendship has always picked up where its left off. Needless to say, we talked on the phone for over two hours last night catching up. Even though he lives a different lifestyle and has never been married, talking to him can really keep me grounded. Even with our falling outs, he has been there for me through some of the hardest times of my life, he is sort of like a brother to me. I know our conversation has a lot to do with my being sick today only because it probably didn’t help to talk until 2 a.m. on the phone but it’s okay. It was worth it in the end.

So, my friend from years ago is back in my life, My friend C. will come over another day, My errand from of today will be done tomorrow, I have lots of soup and stuff, Petey is not here so I don’t have to get dressed and can lay around all day. Today will be a recovery day so I can continue on tomorrow.

He Gets The Dog and Other Animal Things

time,men

Before we got married, HE had dogs and I had cats. We had cat and dog figurines on the wedding cake next to the Bride and Groom and cats and dogs going down the stairs from the top cake to the ground over a fountain; since we only had one Bridesmaid and one Groomsman.

Now we are separated. I slept solid last night after another sob fest. But, I woke up with a clear head and made a solid decision. HE can have his dog. Yes, I love that dog. Yes, I’ve cared for that dog. However, technically it is HIS dog. HE chose the dog. His friends gave us the dog. He has begged for visiting rights/privileges with the dog. Within the last week, I have finally gotten the dog to pee on the patio. PEE on the patio. That is only one part of his business. I used to sleep in until 9 and 10 because the dog had a dog door. I admit, I will miss the dog, but without him, I won’t have to make myself get dressed right away to take him for walks. I won’t have to force myself to stay up and dressed when I don’t want to in order to take him out for his last walk at 9:30 at night.

I spoke to HIM on the phone. HE said he may stay in the house now and can even put a dog door in the sliding glass door since he has already blocked in the other one. HE sounded happy about my decision. He also said he may just stay in the house now until Petey dies and when the 9 months end, he will probably just buy me a mobile home wherever I want.

I won’t tell you other things he said. I won’t tell you things that could take me out of La-La-Land should I choose to believe them. I won’t/can’t throw hope away even if HE wants me to head in that direction. It’s only been a week! Before you say it, I know, it’s probably been more then a week for him. But, it’s only been a week for me. I’m not prepared to accept it as over yet. Not completely. HE announced it a few weeks ago. Look how much changed in a few weeks. We’ve really hardly been a part. The sale is coming up in a few weeks. Couldn’t his feelings change after the sale, sometime? I NEED more then a week to accept even the thought of the possibility of this being final!

So, even though I told my dog I would not leave him. He is with his daddy. I’m sure he will adjust. Physically, the cat and I are adjusting already, and I am actually relieved of the burden.

Speaking of the cat. I am back to being the Crazy Cat Lady. I lived in a 4-Bedroom House where I had a large Coca-Cola collection and my library was my Cat Room. I’ve decided to decorate my apartment with Cat Things only. I kept one or two of my Coke things only because they are unique, but that is it. I have cat pictures, cat clocks, a cat ceiling pull, a cat rug, cat checks, even a cat license plate frame. I always used to say cats came before a man and if I found a man they would have to approve of each other. If I am/go back into the single life. That will stand again. It is Firepie and I alone now to face the world.

You know the license plate frame I should have gotten: “The More I Know of Men: The More I Love My Cat.” I think I’ll get a sign, or a t-shirt, or something. I know I have to watch my spending but that would really cheer me up. Maybe I’ll buy one thing and put other stuff on my Amazon List. Heck, my friends read this. Someone get me something with that saying, Please. My B-Day is in 6 months.

I think I may actually see what I can find and update my Amazon List now.
One of my favorite shirts just got ripped anyway and had to be thrown away.

Everyone Is A Doctor

Isn’t it amusing when you tell someone you have a medical problem (such as headaches)  and suddenly everyone gets out their medical degree and puts on their uniform and gives you advice?.

I called to return a Therapeutic Pillow I ordered which was supposed to be good for headaches, I thought.  However, I am a side sleeper and it has a crease in the center and is meant more for back sleepers.  One of the Customer Service Reps had called the other day telling me of the return policy.  So, I am talking to the girl on the phone and I mention I am a Migraine Sufferer and the pillow is not helping.  She says, “Are you drinking enough water?  My daughter gets migraines but it’s because she doesn’t drink enough water.”  You ever feel like smacking someone through the phone.  I know she meant well.  But relay.  That’s the solution!  None of the doctors in the world can figure this out and it’s my water intake??  I don’t think so.

Then, on Facebook (although I know well-meaning) I find recipe’s from friends for smoothies or drinks to help with headaches and articles about food triggers.  Gosh, it could be food triggers?  Really?  Yes, I know most of my food triggers.  I love Pumpkin Seeds and Cheese but I try to stay away from them especially when I am having bad headache episodes.       I’m already on a gluten-free diet and I have to eat.  My doctors and I both keep track of my diet record.  Thanks for helping point out the idea of food triggers.

Needless to say, I would be shocked should a friend or stranger figure out a solution to this problem when the doctors can’t.

If someone tells you they are sick with headaches, or any aches, try saying, “I’m sorry or “I”ll  pray for you.”  and leave it at that.  It really does help, just  to know you care.

Spam Types

When I was much younger (before I became a Flexitarian) I used to like SPAM.  My mother would mix it with mayo and put it in sandwiches for my lunch at school.  I also used to bring Avocado and Mayo with Cream-Cheese and maybe some Walnuts.  I still like those sandwiches.  Needless to say, nobody wanted to trade lunches with me.    Anyway, Now that I know the ingredients of SPAM or enough about it, I definitely don’t eat it anymore.  My father used to eat a lot of it while on the ship when in the Marine Corps and called it S _ _ t- on a Shingle.  One more positive on Spam though was the Dr. Demento song.  If I knew how and could find it, I would post it for you.  But I’m not that technologically advanced .

But: this brings me to today’s blog  topic:

Not the canned SPAM I’ve been talking about: but the SPAM comments I and everyone else who has a blog receives.  Good Gravy, some are just ridiculous.  “Your writing is amazing.  I’ve been looking for it for a long time.  It is just what I was looking for.  I will keep follow.”  What?  You were looking for a post about pain and headaches?  That’s amazing writing to you.  You obviously don’t read much.  You will keep follow.  You don’t write much either.  Please don’t keep follow.  Nope..Your deleted.  Next.

“My brother told me to see your website and I am glad he did.  I will be new Follower.”  This almost sounded legit the first time.  Apparently, peoples brothers are really passing the word around.  However, without further info, I am not impressed.  So sorry, but I don’t trust you or your brother.  Delete…Next

“We have started a small group of writers to write topics like you.  If you would like to join us, please click this link.”  No, No, I am not clicking your link nor joining your probably spammy, non-legit group.  Delete.  One more.

“Click my pics”  Naked Chics.com  Delete! Delete! Delete!  No explanation needed.

Why I Could Never Be A Hoarder

I used to have a friend that was a Hoarder before the word became a term.  She was raised that way.  My mother, on the other hand, raised us like we lived in some model home.  We even had a Living Room we were not allowed to use except on occasions and when company came to visit and two antique chairs that mom kept the plastic covers on.  I remember constantly asking her why it was called a “Living Room” if we weren’t allowed to use it for Living.

Anyway, forward to now.  I am not the best housekeeper.  As a matter of fact, I hate doing it.  I know..I know.. I am supposed to have pride in my house and all that and I do keep it presentable for the most part.  But, we live in the house.  One thing I could never understand and still don’t is why we have to quickly rush around and sweep, vacuum, dust, shove things in closets, etc. before someone comes over.  Sheesh, haven’t they seen how I live before?  Why do we alway’s have to put on some display for the public or friends to make them think we are someone we aren’t; just so they will continue to accept us?  (More of that topic in another post, maybe.)

Anyway, I love the shows ‘Hoarding’ and ‘Hoarding-Buried Alive’.  I think it’s sad and ridiculous when the authorities make the residents leave the same night they visit; after the people have been living in their hoard/filth/whatever for years.  What’s a few more nights while you set the date up to start cleaning?

From watching those shows and from visiting my ex-friend, I have come to the conclusion that I could never be a Hoarder.

The first reason is:

I Hate Bugs!  If I saw a Cockroach in my house.  I would freak out.  Those things are nasty. (I lived in an apartment once that had those..next door to a Hoarder but there’s another post some day.  Hey.look post ideas are coming with this one.) I freak out at a Spider in my bathtub or on the floor and if it touches one of my things.  I don’t think so!

The Second Reason is:  I can’t leave things in the middle of the floor to long.  Unless it is in a room I don’t use, it drives me crazy.  I get nuts when my husband leaves newspaper on the floor after reading them and I wind up picking them up.  I can’t imagine living in a house and walking on things that should not be walked on.  Plus, what about my poor animals?  My cat and dog don’t want to be sliding and falling on stuff all over the place.

Thirdly- The Bathroom!  The smells!  Oh my gosh, When people hoard so much and their bills get so high that their water gets shut off..No, Thank You.  Just the smells of myself in the restroom are sometimes enough to drive me out..not to mention those of my husband.  I am constantly telling him to use air freshener.  Most of the Hoarders are becoming insensitive to smell.  I don’t even like the idea of having to do a stool sample for the doctor.

Finally, I love to give to people.  Yes, I know, some Hoarders also give to people.  But, they dumpster dive or they buy things with the intent to give to people and never do.  I put boxes together for fire, earthquake, etc. victims and I also make bags for the homeless.  So, a lot of times, I will put my unwanted clothes and maybe a few other items in those boxes for someone else to enjoy.  I donate my unwanted books to the local library usually and take things to the Goodwill for the tax write-off.  In this economy, the Goodwill seems to be the new mall from what I saw of the parking lot.

I also like the philosophy, ‘Out With The Old, In With the New.”

I do feel sorry for some of the people on the Hoarders shows that really don’t want the help.  The ones that are being forced by their families to clean up their houses (not forced by the city but by the family), the few that don’t have bugs and feces around the house, and it isn’t affecting their children or animals who live in the home.  In my mind, it’s their house and if their hoard  is limited to the inside and isn’t bothering anybody outside, let them live the way they want.  Make them clear a path for an emergency crew but that should be it.

 

Blog Keeps Rolling and Rolling and Rolling

Some of you Readers and Faithful Follower (or even unfaithful ones..but that’s a whole nother topic) may have noticed I’ve changed my Blogroll at the side of my blog.  I mean, the list is still there but you may notice a few different blog titles then you’re used to.  “Why”  You ask?, I’m so glad you asked.  You see, I do not just Like blogs.  That is not possible for me.  I can Like a comment but I would almost rather comment back to a comment verses Liking a comment..unless it is a joke..in which case..it’s perfectly okay to like the comment; or unless you are commenting to someone elses comment.  That could also turn into a joke.  But..I digress.  Where was I?  Like?  Post?  Blog?  Oh yeah,  I cannot simply Like a blog.  I want to know more about you and why I’ve gotten so attracted, drawn, led over, pushed, subliminally swept toward.. arrived at your blog in the first place.  Liking it isn’t going to get me there, so I will more than likely become a Follower.  Here’s the thing;  With that philosophy; I am and will be following way to many blogs to put them all on my Blog Roll ..or even a Sesame Seed Bun..So, I just add blogs to my Reader and periodically update my BlogRoll with new blogs. 

For those of you no longer on my Blogroll, don’t despair.  Your blog did not go in the Blog Dumpster.  It has not gone to Blog Infinity and beyond.  It is actually in my Reader.  And, I’m most sure it will rise up again onto that Blogroll when you least expect it.  And you’ll go, “Wow, she loves me again?  I’ve impressed her.”  or maybe you’ll say, “Whatever, you stupid ______ (insert word there), it’s about time you add me back.”  In which case, I’m glad I can’t hear you in real life because that could cause for a Blogroll Ban. 

I’ve decided to switch the Blogroll up a bit.  Maybe make a Blog Sandwich of sorts…or a BlogStew.  Blog Hummus?  Hmm.    Anyway, so periodically (no I did not say when I had a period.  Don’t be disgusting plus, if you’ve been following; you know that would mean never. ) I said periodically which means once in a while.  I will switch up my BlogRoll and keep things interesting. 

There are a few reasons for this strategy.  One.. I get to read,meet,experience new blogs and the lives of others and 

                                                                              Two.. Should I ever get nominated for some award and need to pass the award nomination or whatever on to someone else. (Sometimes they want you to make a list of blogs that should get the award.) I will have lots of options.  

My 80’s Fashion Crisis

No, I am not having a mid-life crisis.  I’ve already done that. Seriously, I don’t even want to go there, however, I do think I may be having an 80’s crisis.  Is that a thing?  I think I want to go back.  I so loved and miss the styles.  Oh my gosh, I just bought an electric blue, lycra workout set from e-Bay.  It only has one minor spot on it.  It looks totally cool.  Yes, I’ll still work out to Wii and no, not Jane Fonda.  I used to have her workout album but I don’t think I do anymore.  Although, I can always turn on the 80’s station on my DVR and just dance.  That is exercise too.  “Let’s Get Physical..Isical..I want to get physical…” Yeah..Yeah, Didn’t I tell you I’ve lost it?

Oh yeah, Speaking of fashion, I found the perfect shirt for me.  I think I’ll order it.  Seriously.  It says, “Cats Not Kids.”  That is like so ME.  I know what my husband would say.  He would say, “If you want people to like you, you shouldn’t wear stuff like that.”  You know what? I’m tired of wanting people to like me.  They can like me or dislike me.  Whatever.  If I lived my world worrying about who does or does not like me; I’d probably be dead by now.  I am me.  Accept me for who I am.  Hmm.  I really want to buy the shirt.  I put it on my Amazon Wish List..but..why wait?  I have the money and it is so ME!  Heck, it is calling my name.  That’s it.  I’m coming shirt.  I am ordering you now.

Don’t worry, people with children who I know.  I will not wear it to your house or your functions.  Call before you come over and I will not wear it then either.  But  it’s me and noone can stop me from buying this now.  “Cats Not Kids.” Perfect!  Unless your a goat.  Then, I’ll take kids too.  Hey, I should wear that shirt when I go to get my hysterectomy.

 

A Tough Trip For An Apple

I made it to Von’s yesterday despite the fact I still felt like crap.  I almost didn’t, as even my eyes were buggy; but I drove super slow as I had to pick up my prescription anyway and Von’s is right across the street from there.  I was lucky to find some McDougall Gluten-Free Soups while there and of course, I picked up a few Apples, as well as a few other necessities but I could barely think and just wanted to home.  I did get some Whipped Butter and noticed my stomach did much better since I started using that instead of Blue Bonnet.  Of course, now I take a Lactaid before I eat anything with butter but whatever.

Anyway, I must have looked like death and I know when the cashier asked me how I was; I told her I was sick and I babbled something about shopping and apples and wanting to just go home afterwards.  Two store employee’s asked if I needed help to my car and I told them No.  However…

Upon, going to my car; I got a bit disoriented and could not find it for few.  But, after wandering I did find it.  I noticed a Von’s employee sort of following me and when I got to my car he started helping me put my bags in.  I said, “Oh, that’s nice.  I’m sick today.” and he commented that he noticed tht it looked like I could not find my car.  So, there I went again babbling about why I went shopping for an Apple and going home to go to bed.

Then, in the drive thru window of the pharmacy, I had to turn the air conditioning on in the car due to suddenly getting hot while waiting for my prescription as I was having hot/cold chills.

But, I really Am getting better.  I am not sleeping the entire day.  I am getting a few things done during the day.  I am eating again and   The Apple was delicious.