Time Ticks Slowly

Everyone says; “you need to get out and go places, see friends, etc” but it’s not that simple. Example: I was invited to a party for the 4th of July. I could/did not go to said party for a few reasons. I live to far away from the friends that had it and I could not leave my dog alone (even with the cat) without a dog door in the apartment. Also, he is afraid of Fireworks. Despite it being a warm night, I closed the slider and turned on fans and we watched movies. I was surprised as, living closer to Disneyland, the fireworks were muffled and not half as bad as expected. As for everyone’s advice, sometimes I wish they lived in my shoes for a while; and while I know some of you have been through the same or close to the same situations, it is NOT the same. It is NEVER the same. You are not me and never will be. You were not married to the same man.

I don’t know how much longer I will beat myself up with how much I loved this man. Although a bit selfish, HE seemed so kind and almost perfect from the time we met. Heck, his family described him all the time as being perfect. He could do no wrong. I was shocked when he actually made a U-turn at a No-U-Turn Sign and went Illegal Street Racing.

He cared for me enough to keep me alive with a Kidney Donation. (Why is that, if you really don’t love the person anymore?), he would go to restaurants at times that he didn’t want to since I am gluten-free and he would go out of his way to pick up MY food when I could not eat what he did.

Of course, those were things one does during a marriage.

I miss his witty humor, I miss touching him, I miss singing karaoke songs to him in the restaurant and embarrassing him since it was so easy to do. (he hates surprises and getting embarrassed). I miss being a wife and caring for the one I loved.

There is a saying about time healing all wounds, but I just don’t know.

Dog Communication

UGH! I had to speak to HIM directly because I was texted with advice per my post. HE is refusing to comment via WordPress because he does not know how and does not want to figure it out. But, HE knows how to solve everything. I know He only wants to help but.. HE forgets that before we got Petey; the people who had him before used to leave him outside all the time and just let him look in. Poor Petey probably thinks I am doing the same thing if I do it that way. However, I did try leaving Petey outside for an entire hour. Petey whined so much I felt guilty and thought someone would call animal control. When I suggested to HIM the idea of trying it in the side yard of the house while he has Petey this wknd if he thinks that’s a way of training Petey to use the cement; HE said, that won’t work, it will only work at my new place. It is cement only on the side of the house where the trash cans are. Therefor, it is another way of saying, he does not want responsibility for my problem. HE says the Dog Potty will only confuse Petey. But, unless HE is a dog, I don’t see how he can prove that one. Oh, wait, according to the Chinese Zodiac, HE is, because that coincides with his birth year.

Anyway, I informed HIM on the phone to be prepared of the future possibility of getting his dog back if I cannot train him.

I must say I am a bit angry and hurt that my feelings are not being respected when it comes to my blog. I nicely gave HIM the website so he can keep up. It really isn’t hard to create a user name. Hell, you can come up with any fictitious name you want and leave a comment under that name. Millions of people do it every day and he works with people that know how to read and write on blogs. I hate playing the angry, cold hearted Bitch but, I am angry and I am hurt and the more I talk and text to him, the more angry and hurt I feel. How many times do I need to have the wounds open? They will Never heal this way!

I believe HE misses me. I believe he cares for me. It’s only been 5? days. I know he cares for the dog. But, if he is ever going to really re-evaluate his love for me and if I am to sort myself out, we need to stop communication for a bit. NO texting, phone calls, etc. We need to have the Garage Sale soon. I do not suggest selling the house soon, as I think it best to wait on the dog issue now to get resolved, but my heart gets knotted up every time I hear his voice or read his text. So Yes, this is communication straight to HIM

– PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE TEACH YOU WORDPRESS AND SIGN UP ANONYMOUSLY SO YOU CAN COMMENT! If that’s to much responsibility or to much of a hassle, have a friend who is on WordPress comment for you. Or, open a WordPress Account. But, please have respect and stop texting me. I LOVE YOU and I don’t want to read your texts.

I saw the Psychologist today. I want to see him at least once a week. I have homework to do this time. I have to write HIM a letter with my feelings but not give it to HIM. I always hate that because I always want to give it to the person. The Psych said to write it and we can talk later about whether or not to give it to him. Actually, it may not matter, I cover a lot of how I feel in WordPress. I don’t see the letter being much different other then really condensed.

*I want to add that I really want to throw up re-reading this post and my request to my husband. I just know in my heart it’s what we both Need. What I really want does not matter at the moment. He is not in love with me right now.

Even The Dog Is Confused

Yesterday when I texted HIM (I think that is how I will refer to him now for a bit) I mentioned that if he wanted to keep up on how I was, he was welcome to follow this blog. After all, in my mind, we are still husband and wife..just separated, and in this way; he will know what is going on. But, he will not be responsible for any of it. Actually, that’s not true. He is responsible for most all of it. He is the reason I and the animals are here.

Anyway, he read yesterdays blog entry and texted me. I know he read it because he used one of the same terms I did. he was not supposed to comment that way, he was supposed to comment anonymously here on this site. Or, if HE wishes to be himself and admit HE is my husband, he can be prepared for the fall-out of anyone who may comment to HIM. If I text back, we get into a conversation and I become his friend..which is what he wants. I cannot do that. If I let myself become a “friend.” I will never be able to become his wife again. (That may not happen anyway.) After all, I’m not supposed to hold onto that 2% chance right now. I will reiterate that it is to painful to communicate and be a friend. I said I will communicate about the house, or the dog, or the garage sale. But, not chit-chat. Keep it business. He Cannot, Did Not and Will Not change his mind in 3 days. This came close once before and he changed his mind in one day..but I guess really didn’t. Or, I wouldn’t be here.

Okay, So last night I’m taking Petey for a walk at 10:30. He refuses to go potty in the back yard. This is ridiculous. So today, I go to Home Depot where I buy a Shower Rod. I find one but I don’t see directions on how it extends. Last time, I bought the wrong size. I realize the last one I got was actually a Towel Rod. I almost lose it but I tell myself; NO, you are not going to lose it in the middle of Home Depot. I also bought a plug strip. The guy at the store called it a Strip. (In his text, HE said he had the strip, but I was not going to make the extra trip over there to get it). One of the main reasons I went to Home Depot is because someone suggested getting one of those boxes where you put them together and put them on the patio with grass so I won’t have to take Petey out so late. I go to Home Depot near me and purchase one. The Home Depot I go to does not have the sod or grass though so I call the one near my old house that does and I go their after, BUT: the girl there tells me it will stain the patio. IT WON”T WORK! At least I didn’t waste the $50.00. At least, I’m at a Home Depot, so I can return it and get my money back. I thought about potty pads for pets but I can’t leave them outside or they will blow away. Petey is 14 years old and doesn’t really like change.

Petey

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

I have an appointment with a new Psychologist tomorrow who is only 5 minutes away.

So Tired and Drained

I am so tired of dealing with this. Now, we are separating verses a Divorce right away because of the medical insurance coverage. I can’t lose my coverage. I can’t afford it on my own..but, now he tells me if he decided not to give me any alimony; he might have been able to cover the medical and I would have lived on all the other stuff. Whatever.

I don’t care anymore.

So, we can separate. After 9 months, we will re-evaluate the relationship and the financial aspect of it. Good .AT least give me 9 months away. You want 9 months to play friends, or whatever.. Fine. Get your head on straight. Whatever. Stop jerking me around. I need to get away from you. Why can’t you understand that? You don’t love me. I can’t be your Insta-Friend after 12 years of being your wife.

Tomorrow, I am going back to my counselor for an emergency meeting. (So, to speak.) Everything is signed and turned in for the apartment. Please give me my definite move-in date. Tell me soon and let’s get going. My animals are stressed and so am I.

Plus, I’m tired of hearing people tell me he or anyone I’m with needs to be a Christian. I’m sorry but I’m getting to where I’m ready to turn off my phone and Facebook until I’m moved out and alone and away from him. Not keeping anyone I know in the loop, at all. People are lecturing him now and people are lecturing me.

There’s also the fact that he is taking off work again tomorrow. Playing sick. I wish he would just go. For someone that doesn’t want to be around me anymore, he isn’t really wanting to separate any time soon and he seems to act as if we are just friends now. This is exhausting and emotional to me. Why doesn’t he get it???

The Marriage Ending Saga (Found An Apartment)

I found an apartment and the paperwork is being signed and money is being put down today. We are also seeing someone about the Divorce. I may have to steel myself with a bit of anger or something to get through this: even though financially he is being very nice.

Here is what I don’t need right now. I have a neighbor who I thought was a friend. A new Christian. She literally told me she does not like my decision and it is against God. She said I should fight for my marriage because God does not want Divorce. She went on and on about how I should be the stronger person and have faith because God turns people around, blah, blah, blah. I almost told her where to shove her religion.

I asked S. again if he was sure this is how he felt. He actually said not only Yes, but if he decided to stay he would probably just do this to me again in the future because he is not happy. He also said he has felt this way for about the last 5 years. I had the transplant about 6 years ago. This means, about right after the transplant, S. decided since I didn’t I didn’t get miraculously cured or for whatever reasons;.he wasn’t happy and we should end it.

He re-affirmed that there is no one else or at least no one by computer.

I can’t dwell on this anymore. I need to focus on moving and try to put my crying on the back burner until I get out of here, if possible. I could be moving as soon as next wknd.

Sharing To Much

Everyone has an opinion. Everyone has advice. They may have been through a similar situation but it is NOT the same. They were not married to the same man. They do not have the same disabilities as I. They are not in the same financial situation. One thing I’ve learned from this experience is not to share the finer details anymore about the issues. We are doing things our way. Yes, I said “We.” He is still my husband at the moment. Legally, we are still married. We start divorce proceedings (the paperwork aspect or the consultation or whatever) on Monday. He is supportive in that way and will continue to be. That is nobody’s business but mine!

We looked at apartments all day. We actually signed for one as far as having the credit checked. It is a cute condo. However, the more I’ve been thinking about it. I really want a one-bedroom with a back yard area for the dog. The condo had a front patio only which, would prove awkward for the dog, and it was a bit small.

Emotionally, I contacted my doctor who gave me Xanax to calm down. After one pill, I know it can be addictive. I think I may only need one a day or so. It gets me back on an even keel. I stop crying, I literally float in a euphoric fog. I also sleep. Last night I finally slept over 5 hours straight. It was wonderful!

My thoughts still go in and out as I pack. I’ve accepted it to a point. But, things won’t really hit until I move out which may not be to soon because I am finding it hard to find a one-bedroom that takes pets, with a small yard, in a decent price range. I found one will open up in mid-June. It’s 900 square feet which would be fantastic.

I’m willing to wait, if necessary. I mean..we don’t fight. Especially now I have my Xanax to fall back on. But, a month? I don’t know. The packing?..The acceptance? I am liable to forget just why I am packing at all if I wait to long.

He Comes Home Today

My husband is coming home today and as expected, I got nothing done this wknd except laundry and working on my book a bit. It was a Smother’s Day Movie Marathon on Channel 150-Time Warner, so I did watch quite a few movies and I didn’t go anywhere due to not just energy/headache reasons; but also the fact that my transmission is slipping and I would really prefer my husband be local, should anything happen.

My husband forwarded a picture of his Mom and his Aunt so I could see them. It is sad how much weight his Aunt has gained. She used to be big before but… plus, her hair is so short, it is not attractive. I think she lost it big time when her mother died recently.

One thing I learned from the picture, (actually I knew this) if you are a large woman, I don’t recommend wearing splashes of color. At least in this case, it made her look like a Circus Tent.

Anyway, I guess it’s a cleaning frenzy today to see what I get accomplished before my Hero returns.

Everyone Is A Doctor

Isn’t it amusing when you tell someone you have a medical problem (such as headaches)  and suddenly everyone gets out their medical degree and puts on their uniform and gives you advice?.

I called to return a Therapeutic Pillow I ordered which was supposed to be good for headaches, I thought.  However, I am a side sleeper and it has a crease in the center and is meant more for back sleepers.  One of the Customer Service Reps had called the other day telling me of the return policy.  So, I am talking to the girl on the phone and I mention I am a Migraine Sufferer and the pillow is not helping.  She says, “Are you drinking enough water?  My daughter gets migraines but it’s because she doesn’t drink enough water.”  You ever feel like smacking someone through the phone.  I know she meant well.  But relay.  That’s the solution!  None of the doctors in the world can figure this out and it’s my water intake??  I don’t think so.

Then, on Facebook (although I know well-meaning) I find recipe’s from friends for smoothies or drinks to help with headaches and articles about food triggers.  Gosh, it could be food triggers?  Really?  Yes, I know most of my food triggers.  I love Pumpkin Seeds and Cheese but I try to stay away from them especially when I am having bad headache episodes.       I’m already on a gluten-free diet and I have to eat.  My doctors and I both keep track of my diet record.  Thanks for helping point out the idea of food triggers.

Needless to say, I would be shocked should a friend or stranger figure out a solution to this problem when the doctors can’t.

If someone tells you they are sick with headaches, or any aches, try saying, “I’m sorry or “I”ll  pray for you.”  and leave it at that.  It really does help, just  to know you care.

My Communication Advice To Men

Gentlemen:

Let’s talk about communication and/or lack of it.  Some of us women really do need you to be honest and blunt at times.  Or, maybe just to get to the point of how you really feel or what it is you really do or don’t want.  Example:

I would like to move to a mobile home community with a clubhouse, pool, etc.  I’ll even consider a Townhouse, Condo community…somewhere that has some sort of acticitivies –  swimming, spa, etc. on the premises.  My husband and I have discussed retiring at Leisure World in Seal Beach however; I would like to experience this sort of place before we retire due to my health issues.

We actually looked at a mobile home recently and he let me give my card to the Realtor and told the Realtor if he found something in our price range, he (my husband) would probably consider it.  Here’s the thing.  It’s been over a week now and the Realtor and I have been in contact over the phone and internet.  He has already sent a pic of one mobile home which did not work out at all due to the space rent, and the 2nd one I inquired on was not in the greatest of parks nor did it fit our park qualifications. The Realtor wanted to talk to me this week about what we wanted in parks and possibly to get together to see a bit of what I liked.  So, we were getting closer.

I sat down with S. (my husband) this morning and had a talk which went something like this:

Me- “I thought you wanted to do this.”

S- “Well, I do but not right now.  We aren’t ready.”

Me- “I know.  Our house isn’t up for sale.  We really don’t have that much to do to it.”

S- “I know. I just am not ready to do it right now.”

Me- “Ok, so do you just want me to tell the Realtor to forget it for now?  Because otherwise, we are going to find something and I am going to beg you for it.”

S.- “Yes, We should probably stop wasting his time.”

Me- “Okay, but we better have this discussion again in the future because if I die before I get in a community like that.  I am going to haunt you, I promise.”

There was more to the conversation but that was the main portion.

Needless to say, I sent the Realtor a nice e-mail explaining the situation and telling him we are keeping his info and will get in touch in the future should our feelings change.

Yes, we will discuss this again.

The thing is.  Every conversation I have had with the Realtor, I have told S. about.  He could have stopped me any time.  I got so excited when he allowed me to give the Realtor my card.  I really thought we were moving in the moving direction.

Guys-If you don’t want to do something such as MOVE.  Don’t let your wives seriously look at places and communicate with a Realtor.  That makes no sense.  And, when she brings up the topic, stop avoiding it like a disease. (he did that like 3x when I said we needed to talk about it.).  It would have been very upsetting had I found the perfect house and then he said he didn’t want or wasn’t ready to move.

Some of us women don’t want to play games.  When we ask you if the dress looks big, you can tell us.  Of course, you should probably know your woman well enough to know if you can answer that question honestly, and be careful how you actually phrase that answer.  It’s better to say, “I think you may want to wear something else” than to say, “Yeah, that makes you look like a Heifer.”  Just saying.

Also, sometimes (rarely) when you ask us what’s wrong and we say “Nothing.” It might really mean Nothing or better yet,  it might mean we don’t want to talk about it.  Here’s a thought, stop talking to us.  Go away and let us cool down, think, cry, whatever we were doing when you asked the question.  If you continue with the questioning, it could go bad.  Sometimes the problems have to do with you and other times they are just hormonal.

It’s sort of like when women ask you what you are thinking about (I don’t know why they ask that, I don’t think I have ever asked my husband that one.) and you say “Nothing.”  Seriously, I’ve learned a lot about the male brain so that doesn’t really surprise me.  No offense intended.

Your Advice, Please

It is a new year and I am debating on writing a letter to an old friend.  It is a friendship I am sad to have lost.  It was her choice but..

The story goes like this:

While in school, in the early 80’s, the girls had to take Modern-Dance while the boys took Football for P.E.  Our teacher made us take hands with another girl in order to become partners or she would assign someone. (I wonder if that could have started Lesbianism? lol) but I digress..  I asked a blonde, girl if she wanted to be partners and she said “Ok.” and so we danced.  (That sounded dumb.)

We became close friends.  I was a Bridesmaid in her wedding.  She made me wear a horrid, pink, dress.  (The dress wasn’t horrid, but the color was.  I HATE PINK!!).  She stayed with me for a while when she had problems with her husband, she was there for me during my many crisis with men.

Our lives went different directions.  We had a fight.  I don’t remember why.  Her last request was for me to be sure to tell her if I ever got married, or had children or whatever.  And I did:

The problem:  I was getting married.  We weren’t talking at the time but, I left her a msg and told her I was getting married.  I try to keep to my obligations with friends if I can.  But, there was no room for anyone else to attend.  She called back and said that she wanted to come to the wedding but there was absolutely no room and no way I could have invited her.

Needless to say, she was offended that I did not invite her.  We were not even speaking at the time.  I had only told her to meet my obligation.  It did not sound as if she really cared anyway.

I’ve apologised again and again, to no avail.

But, it is 2013.  It’s been almost 13 years.  I have started receiving Christmas Cards from her over the past 2-3 years, I wonder if she would be receptive to writing again.

Do you think I should try or continue to leave it alone and pray she will eventually forgive and come back on her own, if God wants us to be friends?

Please give me your opinion on this one, as I really don’t want to make the wrong decision.

*Later in the evening: –   Thank you for those who gave their opinions:  I have taken the step and written and mailed a letter to her today.  It is up to God now and of course to her to see if there will be another step.  It is time to start anew.  Hopefully.