Losing Weight..Bad Way For Me

If you’re looking for a few ways to lose weight, I have some. Separate from your husband of 12 years unexpectedly. During that time, cry almost every day and don’t eat meals when you are supposed to. It won’t be hard because you won’t be hungry. Your body will give you headaches and other pains, you will take pills for that pain and if you aren’t moving things around or focusing on something like the television to take your mind off reality, your trying to sleep without dreaming; which only works with drugs. As time goes on; your clothes start to become loose.

Within the last four weeks, I have lost four pounds. Yesterday, I noticed how loose my clothes were becoming so I bought some candy realizing I need those extra calories throughout the day. I just got on the scale this morning. I know I need to start eating again at regular intervals, as well as snacking. I also know I need to start tracking my food again. Stress is terrible for everyone’s immune systems but mine especially because of my disease and kidney transplant.

It will be a solid month on Friday since this occurred. That means I will have 8 more months in this apartment. Friday will mark a solid month of tears and lack of sleep and wonder and pain of what went wrong in my 12 year marriage to a man who loved me (I thought and believed) when we walked down that wedding aisle and said his vows in front of all our friends and family. The same day I sang his favorite song to him at the wedding reception, “I’ll Always Love You.” by Olivia Newton-John.

I am supposed to be drinking one Ensure Plus every day for dietary purposes. I may up that to two for a bit. I need to gain weight. I don’t care if I am eating candy. I know I need to eat more. I cannot wither away and make myself sick. My cat needs me, if nobody else does. I do have friends that still care about me.

Today, I will start again to get back on track physically. I will eat even if I’m not hungry. I may even start tracking my food again. I can’t do this to myself. If I do this to myself and my body, I will have let him win and proved that he was right, that I NEED someone to take care of me. Which I Don’t. I just need to get my emotions in check and start taking care of myself again. As the weight comes off, reality hits and it ain’t a pretty picture!

Watching A Hunger Show While Eating- So Wrong

Yesterday, I was watching a ‘Feed The Children.’ program and I got hungry, so I took a break and made dinner and ate it while watching the rest of the show. This seems like a sin. These shows are showing starving people in other countries but its talking about food, so it made me hungry. Plus, it showed rice. Seriously wrong, I know.

I wonder if I hadn’t been born sickly and if I didn’t have all these health issues..just what I might have been in the long run? I’ve always wondered if I could have been one of those people who worked and lived in one of those countries or in a Mission somewhere serving people in need. I could see myself living with or near the homeless and destitute, and offering food and clothing and hope.

Sometimes, I wonder what my purpose really is.

Today is Mother’s Day, My Mother-In-Law’s Birthday, and our 12th Anniversary!

My mother has been deceased for the last 3 years, and I think I’ve decided to pretty much stay away from the Facebook posts about Mother’s Day and the WordPress ones also. I called my Mother-In-Law and wished her a Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day, and as for my Anniversary; this is the first one a part.

I Can’t Cook Gluten-Free!

Before I became gluten-free, I used to love to cook, especially bake. I loved Muffins, Biscuits, Dumplings. Now, no matter how much I try or how many cookbooks I own; I just can’t do it. If you’ve been following my blog; you’ve already seen my Gluten-Free Grass Balls. Since then, I have tried to make Gluten-Free Bread Pudding which turned out worse then Brittle. It was inedible.

And here is yesterday’s disaster..um..concoction..uh..experiment:

These were supposed to be Dumplings, but, they turned into one big blob that was a cross between a dumpling and a pancake. I use Bob’s Red Mill All-Purpose Gluten-Free Flour in hopes of using only one flour. I don’t see baking enough to buy tons of different flours and I don’t like measuring out tons of different ingredients.

So, I may have to give up baking and eat gluten-free baked good already prepared from now on.

Gluten Free Grass Balls

This is very odd as I just wrote it all out and nothing showed up. Let me try again. I made what was supposed to be Cheddar Bay Biscuits but they turned into balls that did not rise after using Red Mill Gluten Free All Purpose Flour without Xanthum Gum. The batter tasted like grass which is why I called it the title I did. This was my breakfast.

I had also mentioned that we saw ‘Scary Movie V’ tonight and unless you have seen the movie ‘Mama’; I suggest you see that first before seeing ‘Scary Movie V’. It seemed as if ‘Mama’ was the main movie, ‘Scary Movie V’ seemed to make fun of this time.

I guess I get tired of Hollywood and their re-makes. It seems as if they are running out of new material.

Yes, I know ‘Scary Movie’ is not a re-make of ‘Mama’ but it may as well have been.

Wknd People Observations

The wknd was nice to a point where I actually got out and went the mall to Victoria’s Secret to buy some bra’s.  Just in time because I’d received my new card and a $10.00 off card.  That is one item I do not buy often so I will not buy a cheap, ill-fitting one.  I also got a gift for a friend who just had to have her cat put down.  Long, sad story..I don’t want to get into.  However:

No, this person does not read my blog (at least I hope not and has never mentioned so) so, I can say this:  After having a long chat with her on the phone about her life and how it was going, I got to thinking about something.  She and her husband have a two (almost two) year old and receive Wic.  He works full-time and she just started a part-time job.  She mentioned that she cannot go  to full-time employment because then she would lose Wic assistance and she doesn’t want to do that.  Isn’t Wic supposed to be a temporary program until people get back on their feet?  How old are the children before the Wic program gets cut off?  Isn’t the goal to want to improve your life and get off of such a system (like food stamps) if possible verses staying on it?

Now, before you compare it – Yes, I am on Disability.  However, I do have a (many) disabilities.  There is no way I could possibly hold a job with how often I am in bed with debilitating headaches, sore throats, viruses, etc.  I do not know from one night to the next if we can even go to dinner.  It’s a big difference and a completely different issue to live with actual chronic pain.

Anyway, I also went to IHOP with my husband and his friend for dinner on Saturday.  It’s amazing how my stomach remains fine when I get what I can eat.  The only thing I can eat there is Strawberry Crepes made with eggs only and whipped cream on top.  Yum.  Plus, the hash browns are okay because they cook them with butter.

My husbands’ friend moved sold his mobile  home and moved into a new apartment.  His live-in girlfriend?, friend? (not sure what the relationship) of what seems like forever is in a rehab/care facility and probably will be for the rest of her life.  I don’t exactly remember why.  I know she just cannot walk hardly at all anymore and has numerous other health issues.  (I used to visit her but after mom died, I just don’t really go to those places anymore.  But, I digress.)   Anyway, his place is nice.  It’s in a Sr. Apartment Complex.  I was just surprised that after all those years together (over 20), there wasn’t one picture of them together.  Yes, he is all unpacked and set up.  This was not just a roommate type situation, as, he still goes to visit her every day.

Spam Types

When I was much younger (before I became a Flexitarian) I used to like SPAM.  My mother would mix it with mayo and put it in sandwiches for my lunch at school.  I also used to bring Avocado and Mayo with Cream-Cheese and maybe some Walnuts.  I still like those sandwiches.  Needless to say, nobody wanted to trade lunches with me.    Anyway, Now that I know the ingredients of SPAM or enough about it, I definitely don’t eat it anymore.  My father used to eat a lot of it while on the ship when in the Marine Corps and called it S _ _ t- on a Shingle.  One more positive on Spam though was the Dr. Demento song.  If I knew how and could find it, I would post it for you.  But I’m not that technologically advanced .

But: this brings me to today’s blog  topic:

Not the canned SPAM I’ve been talking about: but the SPAM comments I and everyone else who has a blog receives.  Good Gravy, some are just ridiculous.  “Your writing is amazing.  I’ve been looking for it for a long time.  It is just what I was looking for.  I will keep follow.”  What?  You were looking for a post about pain and headaches?  That’s amazing writing to you.  You obviously don’t read much.  You will keep follow.  You don’t write much either.  Please don’t keep follow.  Nope..Your deleted.  Next.

“My brother told me to see your website and I am glad he did.  I will be new Follower.”  This almost sounded legit the first time.  Apparently, peoples brothers are really passing the word around.  However, without further info, I am not impressed.  So sorry, but I don’t trust you or your brother.  Delete…Next

“We have started a small group of writers to write topics like you.  If you would like to join us, please click this link.”  No, No, I am not clicking your link nor joining your probably spammy, non-legit group.  Delete.  One more.

“Click my pics”  Naked Chics.com  Delete! Delete! Delete!  No explanation needed.

Weather Changes Cause Pain

Well, Crap, Crap, Crapitty-Crap, My head hurts.  I woke up at 5:30 with a Migraine and took my pills.  I don’t want to take another set and sleep for 3-4 hours a stretch.  I could try the other pills that I know work and sleep only one hour this time.  Ugh!  It is raining this morning which is not helping.  Every time we have a severe weather change, my head freaks out.  Guess I’ll have to eat in a few and take something and lay down again.  I  believe  I am going for one of the stronger ones this time.  I don’t care.  I don’t want the entire day wasted again.

In other news, yesterday was headache-free and I got a bit done.  I actually wrote on my book.  I can hardly believe how much hope I had when I lived with that Ex.  I was in La-La-Land firmly believing everything was going to get better and it was going to be the perfect relationship.  Oh, what a silly, naïve, innocent thing I was.

I need to buy some more gluten-free food but I don’t want to go grocery shopping.  To the websites I go.  Yeah, I know shipping gets expensive but whatever.  There are so many different sites and maybe I can get some food shipped from the grocery store itself which may be cheaper.

That’s it today (at least right now), I think I’m rambling.

A Show I Won’t Watch & Why I Am Flexitarian

Last night I watched a show with my husband about people who live in Alaska;. ‘The Alaskan Frontier’ or something.  They live with no electricity or gas, no plumbing or water and hunt, fish and grow their own food.  My husband made the comment that he would love to live like that.  Not true.  He loves his T.V. to much, plus, he pays to have a Gardener.

If you’ve read my blog before, you know how I feel about hunting for food.  I don’t agree with it.  Unless, these people are paid to live the way they do and told to hunt to keep the animal population down (which they aren’t) there is no reason for it.  I had to fast forward parts of it.  I don’t care if they use the entire animal or not.  To watch a father take his young son out rabbit hunting or to kill his first deer makes me sick.  My husband says, “What else can they do?  There are no stores there.”  That’s their choice.  Maybe have meat flown in from stores somewhere?  I don’t know.  But, I have no sympathy for those people during the Winter months.  How about become Vegetarians if you choose to live that way?  Why kill innocent animals because you choose to save money?  Needless to say, that is one show I am not watching again.

I have relatives that hunt as well.  I’ve talked about this before.  Hunting really bothers me.   I don’t know how my Niece puts up with it.  She says she doesn’t agree with it, yet, she has to support her husband who is an avid hunter.  He brought down a large Elk and even won an award, I think.  Plus, they are raising their children in the same direction.  I hate giving the children stuffed animals now because I am afraid they will want to shoot them.  I am just so opposite in that way.

Before you get into the fact of, how do you think we get our meat?  I am well aware of it but… unless you are in the business of supplying the supermarket chains, or you are in the olden days without the supermarkets, or you are in another country and starving and have nothing (another Country, not Alaska, that is a state.), I don’t agree with it and won’t agree with it.  This is one of the issues I feel strongly about and one main reason I am a Flexitarian.

True Stories-

When I was young, my father used to eat Pickled Pigs Feet.  They seriously looked like little, feet.  For the longest time, I could not figure out what happened to the rest of the pig and I wondered why dad didn’t feel really guilty.  I imagined pigs on their bellies in the mud with no feet.  It took a while to sink in that other meat was made from the rest of the pig.  Sad.

One night, my mother made Lamb for dinner, it looked disgusting.  I took a piece of my lamb and moved it around my plate saying, “Baa, Baa, “Baa.” so my mother or dad told me to “Stop playing with your food.” “Okay.” Then, I started singing, “Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow.” Dad looked at me, “Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”  Dad said, “That’s not Mary’s lamb.” and I asked, “How do you know?”  To this day, I don’t  know if I ate Mary’s Lamb for dinner.  What a terrible song, nursery rhyme, whatever for a child if they are eating lamb.  Go a head, finish the whole rhyme.  Lambs are really nice.

What about pigs.  Your eating Wilber from Charlotte’s Web.  Now, don’t you feel bad?  and don’t get me started on horses, or cows?  I’m sure I could come up with tons of nursery rhymes, children’s stories, etc. for any animal you decide to put on your plate at the dinner table to make you re-think what you really wish to feed yourself and your little ones.

Moving To Mobile??

What a nice wknd.  My husband took yesterday off also.  We went to the local zoo, we got our taxes done and we went to Spaghetti Factory.  The last time we went there, I almost thought I wouldn’t go back  because with the gluten-free noodles they use; my dish was really dry..the Brown Butter/Mizithra just did not stick to them at all.  But this time, I talked to the waiter who suggested extra Brown-Butter and I am so back!  It was delicious again.  I do wish restaurants would use the gluten-free Spaghetti or Angel Hair verses the Penne pasta sometimes, but I’m guessing the Penne is cheaper for the restaurant business.

We also looked at a mobile home and my husband even let me give the realtor my card and told him the price range we would consider.  Yes, I am trying to talk him into moving to a moble home park.  We have talked many times of retiring at Leisure World when I am 55 but that is not for 7 more years.  Here’s the thing; if you’ve been reading my blog, you know I have a lot of medical/health issues.  I also am and enjoy being a recluse (but that’s another story) and I don’t get out much.  I really like the idea of being in a community atmosphere with a pool and more people around and maybe even a few activities once in a while.  Who knows?  I may even meet some friends.  I like the idea of walking around the community (within its walls) and feeling safe and close to home.  It may get me out of the house a little bit more which would be good for me.  Plus, I like to think it would be smaller then our house.  While my husband disputes that last sentence because he says most of the mobile-homes we have seen have more square footage, they feel more compact to me in how they are situated.  We would probably go from a four bedroom to a three and it would just feel smaller, plus, the space rent, after paying the house in full, would be low enough, to continue to be covered by whatever I get, should anything happen to my husband first, God Forbid.   We would probably only live in the mobile home park for the next 7 years or so until I am of age to go to Leisure World.

Back to the health reasons though, I want to live in this type community while I am able to enjoy it.  With my health problems and the fact that my kidney transplant won’t last forever; I am afraid in or around 7 years; I may be on the transplant waiting list or something and usually your health doesn’t get better as you get older; it gets worse.

Living in Orange County, there haven’t been to many stories of mobile homes having been blown over in wild weather, burned down in fires, or even knocked down by Earthquakes.  Yes, it could happen but I suppose the same could happen in my house.  I cannot live in fear of natural catastrophes all my life.  God is in control on those things.

My Strange Addiction

No, this is not about the television show and no, I am not going on it and telling a relative or a friend.  Yes, a relative and a friend will read this post, I’m sure.  No, I am not going to see some doctor so they can check my levels and say “Well, if you keep doing this, you could clog up your arteries or your blood cholesterol could get all high” or whatever.  But this is my personal, strange addiction.  Do you have one?

I love Butter!  When I was young, my mother used to constantly catch me with my fingers in the butter.  And, it doesn’t have to be Butter.  Margarine does well too.  I am learning which ones taste better than others.  For example:  Country Crock tastes like a Salt Lick (not that I’ve tasted one of those) but I swear it tastes of pure salt, whereas Whipped Butter which is made of Cream and Salt has a yogurt type consistency and has the salty undertone but is mainly cream and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is really good.

Before you get grossed out at the thought of coming to my house for dinner; I want you to know we have two containers of Butter or Margarine.  One for me and one for my husband/guests.  No, not because I like to put my fingers in it..actually, I’ve grown up a bit now.  If I catch myself doing that; I go back over it with a spoon to fix the contamination.  Yes, I still eat separate spoonfuls of Butter or Margarine which I don’t add to my diet record.  Shhh.  My secret.  And my cholesterol levels are fine. Thank You. Probably because most of the Margarine I use has No Cholesterol.  I have two tubs of Butter or Margarine because certain types of Margarine have been bothering my stomach and being gluten-free; I am starting to buy my own type just for me.   I do need to start buying unsalted Butter or Margarine if I can find it.  Maybe the margarine with Canola Oil would be better since I don’t want another kidney stone.

The point is that if there were a contest for eating a stick or a small container of Butter or Margarine (choice of the contestant)  in say half hour or 20 minutes for like MONEY! I believe, I would WIN!!  That’s how much I love Butter.  And, I would not get sick.